AUTUMN MUSINGS

Ah loyal readers, I am finally settled in to the latest chemo regime! I hope you haven't given up on me - I resolve to be a regular blogger from now on! Autumn has arrived in New England with balmy days as the foliage begins to blaze and the skies are blue.

When I received that daunting news that I needed to continue with weekly chemo, and therefore not return to work, I was thrown into a tailspin - what?? Not go back to work?? But finally I have settled in to my new regimen and I'm proceeding with the latest course of infusions. This week I had the full carboplatin- taxol dosage - put me a bit under the weather, but I am using my continued home bound status to adjust. Learning to live with it- with emphasis on LIVE!!

Heard on NPR that some of the new regulations for health care are going into effect: young people can stay on parent's insurance until 26; pre-existing conditions can't be used against the insured. These seem to be baby steps as the needs grow daily. When I look at the actual cost of my care, I am incredibly thankful that I have decent insurance: even so, treatment weighs on our resources. We need a true national health care system - why can't we Americans get it??

I heard also that Republicans plan to attempt to reverse the health care bill if they get the majority in the Senate: how about if they just extend to the rest of us the health care we pay for for them??? Seems that fall weather, the political mood and my awareness have made me a bit feisty!! At least cyber space enables me to speak my mind! Thanks as always for checking in - support national health care! 'Til I speak my mind again...

STAYING ON THE JOB FOR HEALING

Greetings dear readers after a long break! I completed my most recent series of chemotherapy, and had the delightful CT scan (ah those berry smoothies...yuck!) At my last Dr. visit, I was thrilled to hear that I might be able to reduce my chemo treatment. I have been planning with my optimistic tendency to return to work, believing I could move to 'maintenance' chemo, monthly, without many side effects.

Life does offer twists and turns! On the one hand, my Doc.'s report on the status of my little monster was excellent - he actually said he has NEVER seen a patient with stage IV uterine cancer respond so positively to chemo. The tumor, while still there, has no growth, and some of the enlarged lymph nodes are no longer visable. And the so called 'blood markers' which measure the extent to which your immune system is reacting to any active cancer, continue to drop to the low normal range.

Now the OTHER news. My Doc recommended continued weekly chemo to continue the best possible reduction of the continued cancer. This means the need to continue my leave - not returning to work. After all, I have to choose for the best chances to extend my life.

Well folks, I didn't receive this news with open arms. The thought of not returning to work was at first devastating: but my work IS my life! I have been preparing my colleagues for my imminent return. Now I need to reposition myself - to enable the QUEST program to have the needed support for reading, but primarily to allow for myself the time and rest to enable the chemo to continue to work.

Last week I wrote about living in the now, receiving the present moment and its reality. Today I need to follow my own words. Life has a way of putting the mirror to our words: today I breathe and breathe. x

TODAY IS ALL WE HAVE

Greetings loyal readers, I have been absent but delightfully busy. Last week Beth and I had the amazing gift of several days in Provincetown, Cape Cod through the generosity of friends Cheryl and Laurie. During these three sunny days, we were able to relax, meditate on the beach, and renew. Time away can be so healing.

I had my last chemo infusion this week in this series: next week I go for my CT scan and meet with the doc to chart the next path. I am hoping to return to work if all is as he feels it will be. Send meditations my way?

The title of this post is inspired by two amazing books I have been reading: When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron, modern American Zen Master, and Buddha's Brain by Rick Hanson and Jack Kornfield. All of these authors believe in the healing power of meditation, in seeking mindfulness, awakening to the present moment. As I tread this current path in my life, I am finding that bringing myself into present awareness - letting go of past and future - enables me to live more fully, as the old Hippie Guru Richard Alpert/ Ram Dass told us, to "be here now."

Not that its easy. I find myself caught in the "...why didn't I, where did the time go" and "... what's coming, what will tomorrow bring" mode. As Chodron reminds us, our emotions, useful for survival in many ways, can entangle us in past and future. She teaches that fear and desire keep the wolves away and feed the body, but can deny us peace of the spirit.

So I breathe, allowing my thoughts to float by in the stream. This is it. xx