Dear loyal readers, my life has a new normal, I'm back on the bus. My calendar is no longer filled with chemo dates, post surgical visits, various pokes, prods, pictures and other tests. I have moved from patient to survivor.
I realize now the overtones of joy and melancholy I heard when I met groups of survivors when first diagnosed. Early in my cancer days, I listened to these women who spoke of the renewed anxiety each time the date for another test came up: will it hold? Will it return? We are never without that lurking reality, yet we celebrate what we have.
I wrote last that I had spoken at Bell Street Chapel on Sunday about my experience. During that message, I remarked how so many say, "any of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow. " But as I noted, it's a bit different when someone has told you that they have seen the bus coming, that it probably will hit you, and it could be within a year. I want that bus to stop and let me on to new trips!
My latest new-old trip is my return to work. Last week, I swam in the current of the everyday of my job, remembering the timing and the strokes. I embraced my colleagues and friends, rearranged my desk and threw out stacks of paper, greeted students I had not yet met. I delighted in being out and about with purpose. This week, the job began to define me once again: I caught up with changes and challenges, glad tidings and gossip. I witnessed with new eyes the daunting challenge of community colleges: to invite young people not yet ready for post secondary work to take the baton, to run the course, to learn how to stumble, get up and keep going, to find their strengths and believe in themselves. Once again, the fascinating role of written language and reading in our modern world flooded my consciousness.
So in this new life I am crawling, beginning to pull myself up. I plan to continue to work with my expressive arts healing group, and to share this experience and it's amazing power with patients and oncology personnel. Rebirth: bloody but unbowed - I howl and hoot. Your attention and affection continue to provide true life support. xxx
