GOOD NEWS, BUT WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU...

Greetings loyal readers - well, once again I am in the waiting limbo on the track to who knows where. The good news is that from the CAT scan, there seems to be only the one little monster bundle on my neck, but the doc now wants a PET scan (Frankie scans me every night - sniffing for snacks...) So they inject a small amount of radioactive sugar into my vein - then slide me through the "detector donut" to see what lights up. According to the doc, if an area lights up, it may mean active cancer, as cancers reach for sugars (nasty sweet tooth, I guess). I also will have more blood tests, and possibly some other pokes and prods. So once they look at results they will decide on treatment - but my Doc is on vacation for 3 weeks, so the news won't be available until a month from now. (Dr. D. is traveling to his homeland Guam with two kids in tow - may the goddesses bless him on a 16 hour flight!!) Otherwise, the weather seems finally to be summer (do I jinx it by mentioning...), my garden is popping with color, and Beth and I are both busy at work. I plan to support an upcoming "relay for life" in support of cancer funding in Somerset/ Fall River MA - will write more as I find out details - on June 24. Your wonderful supportive comments keep me going!! Til laterxx

THE GARDEN GROWS, FOLLOWING THE PATH ONWARD

So I've neglected you, dear loyal readers, and hope to reconnect. After news of 'remission' I returned to work, and immersed myself in the everyday. It's been fabulous to be working again with students, to reconnect with friends at Bristol Community College, to have a coupe of Cancer Free months. We've had a cool raining no spring, but this week summer has arrived in full bloom, and my garden is thriving. The purple iris have been spectacular, the peonies fabulous, the scotch broom delicious. Now the ruby honeysuckle is in full bloom, and the hummingbirds are back. I have tomato plants in flower, basic sprouting, show peas climbing and lettuce thriving. I'll be putting cucumber sprouts in tomorrow, and maybe a hill of squash (as opposed to a hill of beans...)

So as I wander down this year's garden path, apparently my journey with the Big C is not destined to be complete.

I learned yesterday that there is still in all likelihood some of the little monster left in my system. With my female innards gone, cancer cells have reappeared in my lymphatic system - the sites on my neck that exploded last year. I don't know for absolute certain how extensive the regrowth is - CAT scan tomorrow - but Dr. D. seemed certain that there is a returning malignancy and will probably recommend radiation. This is not my favorite choice of new adventures, but I will move forward with whatever has the best chance of discouraging the monster.

So I'm sending out messages via e mail and facebook to alert you, my friends, and hope to re establish dialogue. If you get this, thanks for returning, and joining the trek once again.!! I do like to journey with family, friends and loved ones! xx

THE NEW NORMAL: BACK ON THE BUS

Dear loyal readers, my life has a new normal, I'm back on the bus. My calendar is no longer filled with chemo dates, post surgical visits, various pokes, prods, pictures and other tests. I have moved from patient to survivor.

I realize now the overtones of joy and melancholy I heard when I met groups of survivors when first diagnosed. Early in my cancer days, I listened to these women who spoke of the renewed anxiety each time the date for another test came up: will it hold? Will it return? We are never without that lurking reality, yet we celebrate what we have.

I wrote last that I had spoken at Bell Street Chapel on Sunday about my experience. During that message, I remarked how so many say, "any of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow. " But as I noted, it's a bit different when someone has told you that they have seen the bus coming, that it probably will hit you, and it could be within a year. I want that bus to stop and let me on to new trips!

My latest new-old trip is my return to work. Last week, I swam in the current of the everyday of my job, remembering the timing and the strokes. I embraced my colleagues and friends, rearranged my desk and threw out stacks of paper, greeted students I had not yet met. I delighted in being out and about with purpose. This week, the job began to define me once again: I caught up with changes and challenges, glad tidings and gossip. I witnessed with new eyes the daunting challenge of community colleges: to invite young people not yet ready for post secondary work to take the baton, to run the course, to learn how to stumble, get up and keep going, to find their strengths and believe in themselves. Once again, the fascinating role of written language and reading in our modern world flooded my consciousness.

So in this new life I am crawling, beginning to pull myself up. I plan to continue to work with my expressive arts healing group, and to share this experience and it's amazing power with patients and oncology personnel. Rebirth: bloody but unbowed - I howl and hoot. Your attention and affection continue to provide true life support. xxx

Metamorphosis!

Greetings dearest loyal readers - I have been silent for several weeks awaiting the final news - and the news is fabulous: I am CANCER FREE! My Doctor told me Friday that there is No Evidence of Disease in my

system as of this week - I am grateful and humbled.

You my loyal readers and friends have traveled this journey with me - your support has provided me with life energy as I completed the 12 months of chemo and the surgery. It is truly a season of rebirth. As I reflect on this strange journey, I am so thankful for the amazing love and friendship extended to me. Together we have explored this strange anti life form called cancer, confronting mortality, finding healing powers in our unconscious and our imagination, examining the politics of health care. Knowing you are out there has helped me keep the gray matter active, even as the targeted poisons were confronting the cancer in my system.

I spoke at our Unitarian Fellowship meeting yesterday on the idea of rebirth - of meeting each new day, hour, minute as life renewed. I found a fabulous essay by Barbara Kingsolver in which she writes:

Every one of us is called upon, perhaps many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job. And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another...that is surely the basic instinct... crying out "high tide!" Time to move out into the glorious debris! Time to take life for what it is!"

So I am moving onward full tilt - into the glorious debris. I plan to continue this blog, at least now and then: I will keep all posted, but move on to other topics as my journey is no longer primarily a cancer journey. I hope to explore personal and political issues as my personal apoptosis continues: my cells living, dying, being reborn. Cancer cells - good bye: may we find a way to help you pass away, to experience your natural death and rebirth as healthy cells.

As the Indian mystic poet Rabinadreth Tagore wrote:

You have made me endless, such is your pleasure. This frail vessel you empty again and again, and fill ever with fresh life.

This little flute of a reed you have carried over hills and dates, and have breathed through it melodies eternally new.

At the immortal touch of your hands my little heart loses its limits in joy and gives birth to utterance ineffable.

Your infinite gifts come to me only on these very small hands of mine. Ages pass, and still you pour, and still there is room to fill.

And fill it up we will! xx to all in overwhelming gratitude. ApopSal

SING OUT, LOUISE!

Dearest loyal readers,

Last night I attended a "Voices of Hope" concert at the down town University of RI site - an enthusiastic collection of women singing for our lives. The small but appreciative audience joined in as the impromptu, non auditioned women's chorus sang rousing renditions of such classics as "Lean on Me". And thanks to Michele Obama for her statements supporting raising our daughters to be leaders! This is OUR time.


As the public employees, especially teachers (mostly women) , in Wisconsin fight the efforts to end collective bargaining rights in that state, we must remember the origins of international women's day, including honoring the women who died in the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire during efforts to unionize shirtwaist factory workers. Gloria Steinem, tireless voice for women's rights, noted recently that women STILL earn only 77% of wages earned by men for the same jobs.

On March 8th, Michele and Barack Obama honored women for our struggle to gain equal rights, and recognized that the 'glass ceiling' still exists, that our sisters, daughters and nieces have much work still to do. I, of course, am currently especially interested in women's health issues, but also our need to focus on the voices of women who are still oppressed, lacking voice, and still experiencing the vicious effects of a monopoly capital system that engages a few women 'stars' while continuing to promote economic and social policies that continue to victimize women and girls.

BUT WE WILL CONTINUE OUR STRUGGLE, WE WILL CONTINUE SINGING, WE WILL BE HEARD! Always more to come...xx

Hi friends! Much too long, but still having computer problems - amazed I was able to illustrate this post. ( I love this mandala - phases of the moon and pathways of the heart - like the strange and uneven passage of time and the phenomenal network of friends (all of you] who have accompanied my journey.)

My train tracks continue to heal - the staples are gone, only a line from the navel to the tree line - and I'm feeling fine (get tired, but also cabin fever!) Today I go to the oncologist to talk about future treatment: choice one (hopefully) a chemo break - with monitoring to be sure the little monster hasn't recurred. Choice two: maintenance chemo ( one infusion a month) that will allow me to return to work. Choice three - more intensive chemo - but I don't think this will be necessary. Always in limbo!!

I've written often about 'living in the present' - and now with some of the worst behind me for the moment, this is more and more important. I continue to paint and write, and watch the amazing changes going on in the world. The allure of 'freedom for self government' has erupted in the middle east in ways not predicted at least by us in the west. And of course, here at home we have our own challenge to 'voice' as the governor of Wisconsin attempts to set aside the right of public workers to participate in collective bargaining - to have a voice in developing the contracts that rule their lives. It seems that Republicans are truly attempting to defeat union strength in supporting the Democratic party and liberal ideology that invites full participation in decisions that affect us.

So I continue my 'armchair' observing (recliner, actually) and consider how I can best support movements for progressive social change in my somewhat compromised state. But I'll be fully active before long! Thanks for 'listening' dearest readers - Hopefully March will come in like a lamb, after the snowy lion of February. xxSal

ON THE MEND: THE AMAZING HUMAN BODY

So I made it through, dear readers, and broke out of the ward yesterday! Docs and nurses were great, and other than the constant "wake up for testing" the snip and sweep went well. I met a delightful chaplain, Caroline, and several great nurses, especially Janet who was both caring and lively. I was quite impressed that she has volunteered twice in Haiti: we agreed that such experiences enrich our lives in unexpected ways.

I have a lovely set of tummy staples to mark the staple and sweep out region, which will result in a lovely tummy ridge. Guess the thong bikini is out for this year... It is amazing that our bodies can mend from such aggressive invasion. Not that the body doesn't protest (hey, what the ##&&** are you doing to me?? Get the H out of there!)

At this point, the docs have to wait on 'pathology' to figure out next steps. I will in all likelihood be home mending for 6 - 7 weeks or so, but do hope to go back to work once I'm mended. I won't know about future treatment for about a month - but will continue my support services, especially the wonderful meditation/ visual expression group. While cancer is not a 'gift', it has provided an opportunity to explore my inner self and the strange process of becoming ourselves.

In this land of snow, I can't say that sitting by the fire and concentrating on healing is all bad. Just don't make me laugh too much!! I'll continue my writing and painting as I sew myself back together: who knows, I may discover a whole new adventure! Each day, each hour each minute: I love life! xxSal