NUCLEAR ME!

Greetings dearest loyal readers - the good news is - the only little monsters left are the two bumps on my neck (lymph nodes.) My doc has advised radiation so it's on to this new adventure. A regular "glow girl" I'm going to be! I'm learning that current radiation can be highly concentrated and directed - an X ray beam is modulated to hit the malignancy directly, with little or no damage to healthy tissue. I may have to wear a protective mask, so I'm thinking of doing some creative masks as I enter this new course of action!

Otherwise, our New England weather is fantastic - 80's with no humidity today! (Why am I inside??) Beth and I are truly enjoying our deck and gardens this year - hope all are having a fabulous summer! xx

Nuclear Me and a Food Fest...

Greetings loyal readers - again a long break. I had the strange PET scan experience today - shot up with radiated sugar, wait wait wait, ride through the X ray tunnel. So now it's wait wait wait again. But summer is beautifully here, and I'm sitting viewing my garden, the miracle of flowers.

I hope all had a delicious holiday weekend - my dearest bro George was here for a true foodie fest! When one is savoring life for each moment, tasty trips are a must!! First we picked him up in Boston and went to Rialia - a real foodie's mecca. (Vegetarians skip the next section...) We supped on mussels and clams, fish in an amazing pesto broth, and an unbelievable lamb dish. We did of course honor the animals who provided this palate pleasing fare. Enamoured of lamb, we bought our own the next day, made a rub and grilled it with vegetables. Julia provided the recipe for mint sauce, and our Mom (looking down on the feast we were sure) had given the invigorating creamy basil dressing. Finally, Friday we topped the culinary adventure by heading to the shore, enjoying whole friend clams (ah those bellies - you can't get clam bellies in the South where BroG lives and eats - only those deep friend rubber bands...) For Rhodies and vacationers, there's nothing like sitting on the deck at Georges of Galilee, sipping a cold one and chewing clams! Then we strolled to the docks to purchase lobsters, mussels and clams right off the boats which we hauled home and steamed with fresh corn. Food network fans, eat your heart out!! Thanks dearest BroG for the excuse to pig out - with kudos to matchstick Myagi..

A note to all fans -send good vibrations to my friend Joanne who has just been diagnosed and is facing treatment soon. Support from loved ones, friends and community have surely been my lifeline. Here's to a summer of health, healing and happy eating! xx

GOOD NEWS, BUT WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU...

Greetings loyal readers - well, once again I am in the waiting limbo on the track to who knows where. The good news is that from the CAT scan, there seems to be only the one little monster bundle on my neck, but the doc now wants a PET scan (Frankie scans me every night - sniffing for snacks...) So they inject a small amount of radioactive sugar into my vein - then slide me through the "detector donut" to see what lights up. According to the doc, if an area lights up, it may mean active cancer, as cancers reach for sugars (nasty sweet tooth, I guess). I also will have more blood tests, and possibly some other pokes and prods. So once they look at results they will decide on treatment - but my Doc is on vacation for 3 weeks, so the news won't be available until a month from now. (Dr. D. is traveling to his homeland Guam with two kids in tow - may the goddesses bless him on a 16 hour flight!!) Otherwise, the weather seems finally to be summer (do I jinx it by mentioning...), my garden is popping with color, and Beth and I are both busy at work. I plan to support an upcoming "relay for life" in support of cancer funding in Somerset/ Fall River MA - will write more as I find out details - on June 24. Your wonderful supportive comments keep me going!! Til laterxx

THE GARDEN GROWS, FOLLOWING THE PATH ONWARD

So I've neglected you, dear loyal readers, and hope to reconnect. After news of 'remission' I returned to work, and immersed myself in the everyday. It's been fabulous to be working again with students, to reconnect with friends at Bristol Community College, to have a coupe of Cancer Free months. We've had a cool raining no spring, but this week summer has arrived in full bloom, and my garden is thriving. The purple iris have been spectacular, the peonies fabulous, the scotch broom delicious. Now the ruby honeysuckle is in full bloom, and the hummingbirds are back. I have tomato plants in flower, basic sprouting, show peas climbing and lettuce thriving. I'll be putting cucumber sprouts in tomorrow, and maybe a hill of squash (as opposed to a hill of beans...)

So as I wander down this year's garden path, apparently my journey with the Big C is not destined to be complete.

I learned yesterday that there is still in all likelihood some of the little monster left in my system. With my female innards gone, cancer cells have reappeared in my lymphatic system - the sites on my neck that exploded last year. I don't know for absolute certain how extensive the regrowth is - CAT scan tomorrow - but Dr. D. seemed certain that there is a returning malignancy and will probably recommend radiation. This is not my favorite choice of new adventures, but I will move forward with whatever has the best chance of discouraging the monster.

So I'm sending out messages via e mail and facebook to alert you, my friends, and hope to re establish dialogue. If you get this, thanks for returning, and joining the trek once again.!! I do like to journey with family, friends and loved ones! xx

THE NEW NORMAL: BACK ON THE BUS

Dear loyal readers, my life has a new normal, I'm back on the bus. My calendar is no longer filled with chemo dates, post surgical visits, various pokes, prods, pictures and other tests. I have moved from patient to survivor.

I realize now the overtones of joy and melancholy I heard when I met groups of survivors when first diagnosed. Early in my cancer days, I listened to these women who spoke of the renewed anxiety each time the date for another test came up: will it hold? Will it return? We are never without that lurking reality, yet we celebrate what we have.

I wrote last that I had spoken at Bell Street Chapel on Sunday about my experience. During that message, I remarked how so many say, "any of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow. " But as I noted, it's a bit different when someone has told you that they have seen the bus coming, that it probably will hit you, and it could be within a year. I want that bus to stop and let me on to new trips!

My latest new-old trip is my return to work. Last week, I swam in the current of the everyday of my job, remembering the timing and the strokes. I embraced my colleagues and friends, rearranged my desk and threw out stacks of paper, greeted students I had not yet met. I delighted in being out and about with purpose. This week, the job began to define me once again: I caught up with changes and challenges, glad tidings and gossip. I witnessed with new eyes the daunting challenge of community colleges: to invite young people not yet ready for post secondary work to take the baton, to run the course, to learn how to stumble, get up and keep going, to find their strengths and believe in themselves. Once again, the fascinating role of written language and reading in our modern world flooded my consciousness.

So in this new life I am crawling, beginning to pull myself up. I plan to continue to work with my expressive arts healing group, and to share this experience and it's amazing power with patients and oncology personnel. Rebirth: bloody but unbowed - I howl and hoot. Your attention and affection continue to provide true life support. xxx

Metamorphosis!

Greetings dearest loyal readers - I have been silent for several weeks awaiting the final news - and the news is fabulous: I am CANCER FREE! My Doctor told me Friday that there is No Evidence of Disease in my

system as of this week - I am grateful and humbled.

You my loyal readers and friends have traveled this journey with me - your support has provided me with life energy as I completed the 12 months of chemo and the surgery. It is truly a season of rebirth. As I reflect on this strange journey, I am so thankful for the amazing love and friendship extended to me. Together we have explored this strange anti life form called cancer, confronting mortality, finding healing powers in our unconscious and our imagination, examining the politics of health care. Knowing you are out there has helped me keep the gray matter active, even as the targeted poisons were confronting the cancer in my system.

I spoke at our Unitarian Fellowship meeting yesterday on the idea of rebirth - of meeting each new day, hour, minute as life renewed. I found a fabulous essay by Barbara Kingsolver in which she writes:

Every one of us is called upon, perhaps many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job. And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another...that is surely the basic instinct... crying out "high tide!" Time to move out into the glorious debris! Time to take life for what it is!"

So I am moving onward full tilt - into the glorious debris. I plan to continue this blog, at least now and then: I will keep all posted, but move on to other topics as my journey is no longer primarily a cancer journey. I hope to explore personal and political issues as my personal apoptosis continues: my cells living, dying, being reborn. Cancer cells - good bye: may we find a way to help you pass away, to experience your natural death and rebirth as healthy cells.

As the Indian mystic poet Rabinadreth Tagore wrote:

You have made me endless, such is your pleasure. This frail vessel you empty again and again, and fill ever with fresh life.

This little flute of a reed you have carried over hills and dates, and have breathed through it melodies eternally new.

At the immortal touch of your hands my little heart loses its limits in joy and gives birth to utterance ineffable.

Your infinite gifts come to me only on these very small hands of mine. Ages pass, and still you pour, and still there is room to fill.

And fill it up we will! xx to all in overwhelming gratitude. ApopSal

SING OUT, LOUISE!

Dearest loyal readers,

Last night I attended a "Voices of Hope" concert at the down town University of RI site - an enthusiastic collection of women singing for our lives. The small but appreciative audience joined in as the impromptu, non auditioned women's chorus sang rousing renditions of such classics as "Lean on Me". And thanks to Michele Obama for her statements supporting raising our daughters to be leaders! This is OUR time.


As the public employees, especially teachers (mostly women) , in Wisconsin fight the efforts to end collective bargaining rights in that state, we must remember the origins of international women's day, including honoring the women who died in the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire during efforts to unionize shirtwaist factory workers. Gloria Steinem, tireless voice for women's rights, noted recently that women STILL earn only 77% of wages earned by men for the same jobs.

On March 8th, Michele and Barack Obama honored women for our struggle to gain equal rights, and recognized that the 'glass ceiling' still exists, that our sisters, daughters and nieces have much work still to do. I, of course, am currently especially interested in women's health issues, but also our need to focus on the voices of women who are still oppressed, lacking voice, and still experiencing the vicious effects of a monopoly capital system that engages a few women 'stars' while continuing to promote economic and social policies that continue to victimize women and girls.

BUT WE WILL CONTINUE OUR STRUGGLE, WE WILL CONTINUE SINGING, WE WILL BE HEARD! Always more to come...xx