ApopSal

Thursday, August 19, 2010

IMAGES OF HOPE AND HEALTH

Well, dear loyal readers - the blogspot site is still having problems - apparently my readers can't comment - and I can add only one visual per posting. Am trying to reach the Google Gods for help!!

I am quite excited that my work with meditation and visualizing healing and health is resulting in participation in a 'patient show' at the hospital - my scribblings and such will be on display! The attached mandala is one that has inspired me - will photo and post one or two of my own soon. I REALLY encourage taking pen, brush, marker to paper - it's indeed therapeutic. I also have become a huge fan of guided meditation - a way to explore those inner images.

I have two more short chemo drips before the next CAT pix - and have high hopes for returning to work by mid Sept. I feel the support from you all that comes through cyber space - your loving messages have been a major part of my excellent progress. I firmly believe in our power of collective concentration in the journey towards full recovery.

So I extend my continued love and thanks on this beautiful August morning - a cardinal sits on my bird feeder, and a hummingbird visited again earlier - the zinnias smile across the garden, the cosmos dances in the breeze, and the black eyed susans wink at the sun.

In the quiet sunny space of my yard I recognize the privilege of my life, even with its uncertainty as I think of those struggling with natural disaster in Haiti & Pakistan, and of course with the horrors of continuing war. I celebrate the gifts of my life and my community of support on this vibrant day. xx

Monday, August 16, 2010

SHRINKING ALONG

Dearest Readers,

Have heard that you were unable to comment on my 'bird' notes: Hope I can attach some other great pix (didn't take them, but saw these critters.) Ah the love of the digital #%%%&&&!!##.

Well, I can't seem to add more pictures and edit the way I have done before - maybe this will work - always a digital adventure!

Had chemo today - the double whammy - but not at all bad. I have two more weeks in this series, then another CAT scan - my doc says that if the CAT confirms the other indications -my marker #3's are in the normal range - then I can go on 'maintenance' much lighter chemo and go back to work!!

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

WATCHING BIRDS

Dear Readers, the slow pace of summer has me lagging. This was a week without chemo - last go round before CAT scan starting next week.

As I continue to luxuriate on the deck, (I feel a bit guilty until I remember my real summer job...) I am amazed by the color of gladiolas and cosmos, I have had the time to watch the life of yard birds, and to listen to the constant chatter. They are busy!! What goes through the mind of a finch, a cardinal, a bluejay? Clearly they communicate with each other, and fuss at other species - it's so easy to anthropomorphize - imagine the finches griping about the aggressive and bossy blue jay, the hummingbirds asserting themselves - I may be small but I'm tough; the morning doves sighing - these little birds are so manic - and the cardinal as he struts - yeah, I'm handsome, appreciate me - believe me, she might have a toned down coat, but Ms. cardinal is the head of our household.

I guess as humans we want to think our habits and conversations somehow are universal - that our brains somehow reflect the universe. My life this summer has increased my suspicion that we know so little. What we think we know, our sense of reality, what 'makes sense', seems so inadequate in the face of the contradictions of our experience. How can we know about peace and harmony, and still make war? How can we have the concept of community and abandon those in misery? How can we envision health and healing, while allowing power and money to control access to aid?

I guess more people need to spend more time watching birds: not deciding what they think, but letting them teach us? Just a short reverie from the deck...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

GONE FISHIN' AND REFLECTING

Dear readers, I continue to learn that the unexpected can be truly glorious. As noted, I was saddened that my Sis Sue cou

ldn't visit, but am happy that she is on the mend. The change turned into a propitious opportunity for Beth and me! Our four days on Sargent Lake in NH proved to be a taste of paradise: a lovely little lake (how's that for alliteration?), perfect for kayaking, fishing and just plain ole settin' and reflecting.

I had forgotten the fun of fishing (can't seem to avoid alliteration today) - the concentration, quiet patient waiting, and joy of the bite! Beth proved to be the Queen of the Catch - with her huge mouthed bass! We DO have the pictures as witness, and it wasn't the one who got away! I managed to hook four little sunfish, not bad for a novice like me. And Madelin

demonstrated her all-around skills with both sunfish and a respectible bass as well.

This mini vacay was such a gift to us: providing both hilarious family fun and moments of quiet solitude. In our journey of late, both Beth and I have needed this gift - thanks to nephew Matt and his partner Naz who shared their week at the lake with us.

In this chaotic troubled world, we were able to enjoy the treasure of time and togetherness.

And you can witness the return of my hair as well! As I continue on this chemo trip, the lower dose of Taxol is allowing regrowth - it seems to be quite a crop, a respectable silver fuzz.

While I revel in the memories of these treasured days, I am beginning to plan a new project: connecting with a national "Make a Wish" type of support for adults with serious/ terminal conditions. Returning to reality from our little paradise, I reviewed our insurance reports, and realized that if I didn't have good insurance, the chemo, etc. would have cost me over $80,000 this last eight months. I am investigating the 'Dream' foundation out of California that provides 'wishes' for adults, including reunions with family and other important connections. I hope to use the effort as a platform to support national health care - with emphasis on the needs of cancer patients and survivors! Stay tuned!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

GARDEN DELIGHT

Dear gentle readers, a reminder: there is nothing constant in life but change! My sister Sue was supposed to come to visit this week from Richmond - but got sick, and won't be coming. As I nursed my disappointment, we received an invitation to go to New Hampshire to a lake cottage for three days - a mini vacation! Expect the unexpected!

This week my friend Sally Waldron brought an amazing gift to us: a garden 'totem' she constructed in pottery class. In the pouring rain, Sal and I (in our fetching rain ponchos) constructed this amazing piece of garden art - what a gift!! Now my garden is blessed and watched over by my totem.

There are few things in life that equal the value of a good friend. I am indeed honored! Enjoy summer and gardens, my friends.

A note to friends: I have mini surgery next week for my kidney 'stent', but all should be a breeze. Traveling to remission!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

VISUALIZING NORMAL!

Dearest readers, I have great news! One indication that chemo is effective is the reading of so called 'blood markers for cancer.' My markers have been steadily decreasing, and my doc told me this week I am in the NORMAL range!! (Not that I EVER feel very normal...) This does not mean the tumors are gone, but a good indication that the cancer is almost inactive. So I am very excited!

This has been a strange week - finally able to have chemo again - platelets and white cells also back to NORMAL. My body doesn't really love the chemo, but being home enables me to collect reserves to deal with the stuff.

I attended two groups this week, and listened while sisters in the big "C" recounted much more difficult journeys than mine. I am so very fortunate that my body is handling the infusions without severe side effects, as I say so often. Listening to stories makes one quite humble.

In our guid

ed meditation/ art therapy group, I continue to invite images for my journey. I have been trying to upload my own butterfly ride sketch, but this will have to do. Beth and I attended the South County balloon festival on Sunday, and such a ride is on my bucket list! Almost as good as a butterfly flight!.

I am convinced that such imaging is a powerful vehicle in the journey to eject cancer. Will write soon, but for today am up and away. xx

Friday, July 16, 2010

BEACH, BREATHING, BONDING

Thanks to friend Marilyn I spent yesterday at a beach in Little Compton, RI. There is nothing as peaceful as time watching the surf - the ebb and flow are life renewing. We sat under an overcast sky, but the air was delightful with a warm breeze and the muted light created a meditative mood for us both. The time on the sand gazing at the ocean horizon helped calm my impatience as I continue to wait for my blood levels to come back. (Send psychic messages, dear friends, that I can do chemo next week - it's been nearly a month of delay!!)

Marilyn and I have known each other for over 30 years, and always have great conversations about learning, knowing, living and healing. In addition to being a reading educator, she has become a licensed therapist. She completed a degree in 'integrated therapies', and has studied a variety of healing strategies using Buddhists ideas and inspiration. Our conversation was another confirmation of the importance of breathing for our well being.

Today I had several long wonderful phone conversations. Sister Carolyn and I exchange thoughts on reading and art projects, Lorraine shared those radical hippie lezzie days in Atlanta, Judy is my best pal in RI. These cell phone ramblings again reminded me of the strange gifts of this time, that I am strengthening the bonds with loving siblings, family and friends who are giving me so much support. In my many hours by myself, I reflect on the these treasures , and the many ways that being enveloped by love is aiding my healing and moving me forward in this adventure. (How linear we are...) Of course, my loving Beth is my heart, and accompanies me on all the byways of this strange journey.

As with the ebb and flow of the tides, I am carried through this experience we call time. The day at the beach was an island of hours away from the everyday. Summer is a good thing...