BACk IN THE SADDLE

Hi all - just a note after beginning second round chemo. Carboplatin and Taxol today. THINK SHRINK! Beth and I went to the American Cancer Society Rhode Island survivor's day yesterday - a few interesting 'booths', a few speakers, but generally disappointing. Several of the hospitals had tables with information, and we DID get free chair massages. I had hoped there would be a more interactive opportunity, maybe workshops where we as ' survivors' could discuss more about integrated services, and the ways that things such as Reiki, massages, meditation, acupuncture support treatment, even reports of clinical studies, such as the dream study I am now a part of. Oh well, so much for that.

I do hope to do more research myself about such areas - such as the work being done in Texas and Europe. Will report soon! Otherwise, my garden is my best therapy, bringing the beauty and hope of blooms and new growth (the healthy kind!) Above is the Goddess of Spring in our garden with the unbelievable iris (blooms now sadly past) but below you can see the now blooming poppies, etc. I am determined to be as 'perrenial' as these amazing gifts of nature. Also the blue spot is a deck chair, an important kind of therapy for me this summer! I will be meditating and chanting from this chair on many occasions.

With the earth capable of such amazing presentation, why is it we squander our gifts, poisoning the mother of us all, possibly feeding unwanted growth (such as the big 'C') rather than cherishing the beauty that is our natural world?

As a species, are we capable of valuing these gifts enough to survive on the planet? Hmmmmmm.

SYMBOLS OF SURVIVING

I'm very excited about an American Cancer Society conference coming up this weekend exploring integrated treatments: providing psycho/social support along with chemo and radiation. The Women & Infants Women's Oncology Center has many integrated elements, including Reiki, acupuncture, a writing group and a new one for me: Exploring Symbols and Images as a Pathway to Positive Survival.

Yesterday I attended the 'Symbols ' group led by W & I Licensed Social Worker Sandra Shields. She is grounded in Jungian psychology, and believes strongly in the power of the unconscious and imagery.

We participated in a 'guided meditation' called 'slowing down time' - a wonderfully relaxing exercise for which we had lavender eye pillows and blankets (!) Letting go of the tight control of our conscious minds is so hard - but I was lulled into a strong meditative state.

After this, Sandra asked us to draw/paint any imagery that came to mind. For many, it was the image of floating, of water, and the image from the meditation of a slowly drifting feather. As I started to draw the image of a turtle came to me: I used my 'mandala' practice as a base, and drew a turtle based sketch with waves and fish and the moon.

Later, Sandra told me that turtles are one of the 'archetypal' images, representing female nature, longevity, unity between heaven and earth, survival through the long slow journey.

So I continue with my long slow journey, taking time to savor each day and each moment, learning about self in the world. Survival is on my mind for so many reasons beyond the personal: the terrible toll of the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the criminal negligence of British Petroleum giving us the horrendous Gulf oil spill, the continuing struggles for so many to survive disasters, both natural and human made. We carry the world on our backs. xx

ONWARD, ONWARD

Hi all! Well, I finally have my next treatment cycle settled. We finally met with my oncologist on Wednesday, and were able to actually see the little monster in the CT Scan snapshot. Nasty little bugger! But smaller and less nasty than four months ago! Apparently, it has gone from the size of a large lemon to the size of a small plum.

Yea small fruit!

The lymph nodes on my neck are no bigger than green peas - also a great thing. We are heading towards remission!!

This summer I will be on a bit more rigorous treatment plan - weekly treatments. I will be taking sick leave time in order to give my body maximum ability to benefit from the treatments. Summer recovery in the garden!! Flowers growing, tumors shrinking!

I am also excited as I have signed on to an official study looking at dream images of cancer patients. I will be keeping a dream log for 12 weeks. The researchers are looking for common images, and ways dialogue about these images can aid in creating positive psychological stance during chemo and radiation therapy. I am fascinated by this integrated approach!

I continue to draw my dreams, and create mandalas - letting that inner self speak to my recovering body. And of course, all of your positive feedback and support is the foundation for my journey. Love to you all.

xxapopsal

LIVING IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

Well, loyal readers, today was a lesson in acceptance and living the moment. I have been in such an anticipatory mood all week - living for the tomorrow that was today - and of course, the news I had been waiting for didn't happen. I am processing the life lesson in this.

I awoke this morning at 4:30, and in my anxious state, couldn't sleep. Finally I put on my sweats and my Red Sox cap, and went out on the front porce to meet the dawn. The sky over our 'river of highway' was a soft peach, like the inside of a shell, and the birds were having quite a morning conference. The air was sweet and warming. I breathed in the preciousness of the new day, observing the deepening green of our across-the-street woods, the deep fuscia of our rhododendron, the sweet pink of the bleeding heart by the stone house. How amazing that we experience what we call pleasure and beauty from our sensory input.

Beth and Frankie the Beagle finally awoke, and we readied ourselves for the Important Appointment. We arrived at the Women's Cancer Center a bit early. Shortly I was called to an examining room, and a nurse came in to take my vital signs (I was feeling quite vital - eager to hear the news!) Then a Nurse Practitioner came in with a worried look. Dr. Dizon is stuck in traffic and won't be here for your appointment. Not only that, the machine that relays the CT scan results is "on the blink" - (honey you ain't gonna get no news today!)

Dear readers, my joyous mood dissolved within minutes. I know of course we all are human, cars and machines break down, this IS the moment. Could I accept it immediately with equanimity? No way. After a few angry tears, I got myself together, and Beth and I prepared to leave. Luckily, the social worker I have been working with, Sandra, was on site - we were able to sit with her to process the events.

It's so hard for us to truly accept the uncertainty of life. We act as if we truly might KNOW what's going to happen next. We always say - "I could walk out and get hit by a bus", but we don't really think it will happen. We WILL be able to get to our job, to get to appointments, to carry out our plans. We live for what comes next (Waiting for Godot) and the moment passes us by.

SO THAT'S THE NEWS FRIENDS - NO NEWS! But rather a reminder to cherish each minute of each day, and expect the unexpected. Until we meet again - Happy Trails! xx

NOT ABANDONED!

Dearest readers, I haven't abandoned you - don't despair! Just a very busy week - have been a bit tired and under the weather. Good news: had my CT scan on Tuesday - what fun. I was able to down the chalky stuff so readers could see my innards light up - certainly a strange experience. Sort of Zen sliding through the large doughnut hole(Check out this CT scan art!!) It is quite amazing that technology now allows us to look INSIDE the body - a slice of life as it were. Tomorrow I have my Dr. appointment to find out the latest prognosis. It is a bit nerve wracking, but I am SOOOO eager to find out how much the little monster has shrunk.

I am also excited that the RI branch of the American Cancer Society is having a conference next month looking at alternative/integrated therapies and their effectiveness alone or in combination with chemo and radiation. There will be representatives from an exciting center in Texas, the Anderson center, that has been a major center for alternative therapy for years.

Speaking of alternative therapies - I had acupuncture for the first time! It was a fascinating experience - a lovely woman who studied in Boston administered the little needle, and I lay like a happy pincushion while she played meditation CD's. It certainly was relaxing - I'm not sure it relieved my neuropathy much (numb toes) but I enjoyed it a great deal.

So I will report tomorrow, dear readers with the BIG NEWS! Have a great evening!! xx

METAMORPHSIS

HOORAY! HUZZAH! YIPPEE! And whatever other cheers that come to mind - my cancer marker numbers are WAY down! When first diagnosed, I had numbers up beyond 500 - recently in the 300's, and this week - 79 and falling!

Thanks to all the love an support that has surrounded me as I continue this strange journey. While I'm not quite to the desired number (18 or below), this steep decline has me much encouraged! Next week, I have the strange tunnel pictures made (CT Scan) that will tell more about the little monster. Beth and I have had a continuing image of butterflies, sneaking into my body, landing on the tumor, and with each landing, melting the monster away. Recently, I've had another image, that these healing butterflies actually transform the tumor into a caterpillar, that metamorphosizes into another healing butterfly, and flies out to find and transform other tumors.



I hope to use all the energy you all have passed my way to help with other kinds of positive change, such as advocating for truly universal health care, truly equal opportunity in education, and a real metamorphosis from the economic dictatorship of a few to sharing of the wealth. We have a ways to go... But this journey makes me so aware of how I want to spend this gift of time.

As winter has finally turned to spring, our scarlet honeysuckle is blooming, the peonies are about to pop, and I'm loving getting my hands in the dirt. Here's to the turning of the earth...

MORE FAMILY FUN!

As I approach the end of one chemo cycle and begin planning for the next, I have been celebrating with family and friends! Last week was an amazing week, with a fantastic visit from grad school friend Virginia C., gathering of my prison volunteer pals with Liz M. and Sally E., plus Bobbi H. and my Beth, breakfast with first RI friend Marilyn, and visit from Sister Sue and husband Tom for the weekend, and a shared meal with cousins Louise and Mary! Whew! A whirlwind of appreciation.

As I have written earlier, this strange journey has intensified so many relationships - and brought me closer to friends across the country. The ongoing responses on this blog from Lorraine in Atlanta, (remember 'Edge of Night' commune?), Vicki in Boston, of the Atlanta days, brother George in Virginia, friend Mimi in Ohio, birthday buddy Janet here in Providence, and many more, always brighten my moments.

"Our own life is the instrument with which we experiment with the truth."
Thich Nhat Hanh

And in this life, I am experimenting with the truths of love and hope, the gifts of so many. Today is a balmy May day, with trees and grass dressed in the new spring green, a balmy breeze caressing our passages, and sun warming our moments. The door is open to the future. Enjoy, dear readers!