FAMILY REFLECTIONS

Greetings dear readers! Just said goodbye after a marvelous visit from sister Susan. Our few days together reminded me of one year ago - my diagnosis received. It's hard to believe it's been a year - and that I have had 11 months of chemo! The pic on the right was taken last year - the four of us Gabb siblings gathered at Sister Carolyn's apartment for a 'family photo' op. You can see that Gabb grin (brother George taking a moment of reflection himself!)
SisSue's visit was a great chance for special sister time - and I plan to have a similar visit in Richmond with SisCee in April. BroG has come twice - my loyal VA siblings. With an adventure like the big 'C', that special shared knowledge only possible among siblings becomes so very important. You can laugh and cry with siblings in a way with no others. There are those little packages of knowledge about your family dynamic that only siblings grasp.

For the four of us, there are the shared memories of holidays, the all important rituals of cookies, decorating, and above all the Christmas Eve 'program' - complete with hand drawn program guides. We melded the Christian celebration with the family traditions: the Jesus story from the St. James Bible (with it's familiar Shakespearean English) with Clements "The Night Before Christmas" poem that has shaped the view of 'Santa Claus' for all time (St. Nicholas? Who?) The emphasis was on warm and silly family fun - through the rituals we recreated the somewhat fictional Norman Rockwellian tableau of our family dynamic (and the 50's Coca Cola ad view of Santa!). Whatever the fantasy of it all, each of us retains a memory of Christmas festivities that speaks to the best of our childhood years.

As Sue and I visited those memories, we shared new revelations about our family dynamic (Sue mentioned that she rankled a bit with our Sunday night ritual - a family waffle dinner made one at a time on our waffle maker: as the oldest, she always had to get her waffle last! And 'middle child me', I always thought the oldest got the best deal!!) The holidays, friends, for better or for... Take time for meditation during these frantic days!! xx

At Last a Post: Metaphors in Megaliths.

Wow! back on line! Have been having terrible problems with my computer, dear readers, but finally think they are solved. Also, have been writing in a journal by hand - so will share some of my musings. I have been thinking a great deal about spirituality and our ancient heritage. I have been studying such spiritual monuments as the Stone Henge in England, and the amazing dedication to spiritual ritual from our earliest human ancestors. before the discovery of metals, before written language, human beings were celebrating power greater than themselves, and creating rituals around concepts of life to death to life, using the sunrise to sunset metaphonr, and capturing the cycle through huge monuments such as the pyraminds in Mexico and South America, and the many stone circles in the British Isles, the Scandinavian countries and northern France.

(Yeah, I love lots of time on my hands! I know this is kind of heavy headed for a first post in so long, but it's really fascinating to explore!)

So on to Stonehenge. One reason this fascinates me is that apparently, my forebears came from the area of England where these huge stones stand - the Salisbury Plain. Pictures show these mighty slabs sitting in stark relief against the sky: some toppled over succeeding milenia, some missing, destroyed by ensuing generations. I've been reading a book on the history of excavation of Stonehenge - the structure was constructed over hundreds of years - between 2,500 BC and 1,600 BC! The researchers have concluded that the stones weere erected and placed to align with the rising sun, and it's movement across the Eastern Sky through the seasons. It may also be aligned with the phases of the Moon - they were non literate scientists who observed and registered what they saw as the movement of sun and moon across the sky, using this as a metaphor for life and death. These ancients celebrated equally important roles for men and women. In Avebury, another stone circle, some stones are perceived to be phallic pillars , while others are triangular, representing the female principal.

That we as humans have sought to understand and explain the relationship of our own human experience of mortality to the patterns of our solar system, our universe, is somehow awe inspiring, universal and personal. Last night was a full moon - I observed it on TV! We 'modern' humans think we understand the energy of the sun in physical terms, the reflected sunlight on the circulating moon. But still these celestial bodies provide metaphors for our own tiny sphere of existence, our own experience of mortality.

As we approach the winter solstice, that darkest day when sunlight hides from us, wrapping us in longer nights, I tend to musing about our human heritage of spirituality and search for meaning in the movement of the spheres. I am approaching a year since my diagnosis, a year of treatment- physical, psychological, spiritual. I won't be erecting megalith stone circles, but certainly seek the metaphors of meaning for this thing called our lives.

Hope a few of you are still out there!! xxSal

THE BIG 'C'

So I'll finally write about this 'comedy about cancer'. I researched the writers and found that two or three have had cancer; all have friends or relatives (2 of 5 of us they say). In talking about the 'pilot' the author and the producer say "it's time to bring cancer out of the closet". In some ways,the show is dumping a closet full of too cute gags, in other ways the show allows exploration of dark corners.



When I first viewed the early episodes, my reactions were polar - on the one hand, a recognition, a sense of relief that finally people can laugh. On the other, I felt the deep melancholy portrayed occassionally by the talented Laura Linny. As I watch her from week to week, I see her brilliance as an actress in the darker scenes - her expressions, the coming to terms with 'not enough time.'

By making her an upper middle class white lady who doesn't have to worry about co pays or other costs, the authors free her from the tragic drama of cancer for so many people. This also gives her the freedom to carry out her 'bucket list' in ways most of us cannot. Actually, among my favorite scenes so far was the couch burning - it was such a visceral reaction! I have seriously been thinking about which piece of furniture I want to burn...

As the show continues, Cathy's life gets crazier and crazier: she kicks her husband of 20 years out, takes on a sexy lover, lives more and more over the edge. I continue to watch with a kind of horror/ fascination: where are they taking this, and why? Also, her life as a teacher, ostensibly in summer school this season, is totally out of whack: the school seems to have absolutely NO oversite of what goes on in the classroom! (High school teachers - is that possible??)

The producers say they are planning for six seasons - 18 months in real time, covering one season a season (summer, fall, winter, etc.) The producer says "we are keeping up with progress in the field such as clinical trials" - but her diagnosis continues to be terminal. As is the diagnosis for us all, it's just that most of us don't have a date.

Barbara Ehrenreich, who has written eloquently and sharply about the over-cuteness of the breast cancer 'pink' tide also feels the authors err on the side of silly. I tend to agree, but have some kind of perverse enjoyment as I share both the hilarity and the shadows. Like everything tasty, it needs a grain of salt. xSal

MEMORY LANE

So the first round of this series is done - and I'm still thinking SHRINK! I have started writing at least an hour each day - friends have encouraged me to write about my crazy life, so I'm traveling down memory lane. Speaking of memory, we went to NYC for some appointments, and am going to be on a panel this weekend with two old friends who were my colleagues when I 'came out' in Atlanta, GA. Together with a group of energetic women we helped to found a 'feminist Lesbian' organization, the Atlanta Lesbian Feminist Alliance (ALFA.) Vicki is a feminist scholar and writer; Lorraine is a legal assistant with Lambda Legal in Atlanta, working on cases to further GLBTQ rights in this country.

Preparing has been quite a journey: a reminder of the 'creative' nature of memory, and how our backgrounds and experiences shape what and how we remember. Did this happen?? Did I make it up??? Those years in Atlanta - The Great Speckled Bird underground newspaper, Sojourner Truth Lesbian Print Shop, the Lesbian communes, the belief that we could speak out and change the world for the better - those years shaped my consciousness and my life.

One important memory captures my affection for a friend Jean Zorn. A woman in her forties, she had moved to Atlanta from South Georgia, and was a special education teacher. In South Georgia she was a Civil Rights advocate, and had been one of the first white She was also a wild hippie soul who joined our hippie radical community in Atlanta, and even lived in one of the communes. Jean contracted breast cancer, thought she was in remission, it recurred, and she passed from us in a year. I saw her often during her final year, and was inspired by her dedication to living those final months with creativity, passion and dignity. She lived life to the fullest, and at her final memorial, the gospel choir from her school in South Georgia sang "To every Season there is a time.." and "Oh happy day". Jean had written a letter to friends asking that we celebrate her life. You live in my thoughts, Jean!

So after this brief break am back and moving towards more chemo next week. Living with the 'Big C' (will write about that program this week!) 'Til I write again...
xx

AUTUMN MUSINGS

Ah loyal readers, I am finally settled in to the latest chemo regime! I hope you haven't given up on me - I resolve to be a regular blogger from now on! Autumn has arrived in New England with balmy days as the foliage begins to blaze and the skies are blue.

When I received that daunting news that I needed to continue with weekly chemo, and therefore not return to work, I was thrown into a tailspin - what?? Not go back to work?? But finally I have settled in to my new regimen and I'm proceeding with the latest course of infusions. This week I had the full carboplatin- taxol dosage - put me a bit under the weather, but I am using my continued home bound status to adjust. Learning to live with it- with emphasis on LIVE!!

Heard on NPR that some of the new regulations for health care are going into effect: young people can stay on parent's insurance until 26; pre-existing conditions can't be used against the insured. These seem to be baby steps as the needs grow daily. When I look at the actual cost of my care, I am incredibly thankful that I have decent insurance: even so, treatment weighs on our resources. We need a true national health care system - why can't we Americans get it??

I heard also that Republicans plan to attempt to reverse the health care bill if they get the majority in the Senate: how about if they just extend to the rest of us the health care we pay for for them??? Seems that fall weather, the political mood and my awareness have made me a bit feisty!! At least cyber space enables me to speak my mind! Thanks as always for checking in - support national health care! 'Til I speak my mind again...

STAYING ON THE JOB FOR HEALING

Greetings dear readers after a long break! I completed my most recent series of chemotherapy, and had the delightful CT scan (ah those berry smoothies...yuck!) At my last Dr. visit, I was thrilled to hear that I might be able to reduce my chemo treatment. I have been planning with my optimistic tendency to return to work, believing I could move to 'maintenance' chemo, monthly, without many side effects.

Life does offer twists and turns! On the one hand, my Doc.'s report on the status of my little monster was excellent - he actually said he has NEVER seen a patient with stage IV uterine cancer respond so positively to chemo. The tumor, while still there, has no growth, and some of the enlarged lymph nodes are no longer visable. And the so called 'blood markers' which measure the extent to which your immune system is reacting to any active cancer, continue to drop to the low normal range.

Now the OTHER news. My Doc recommended continued weekly chemo to continue the best possible reduction of the continued cancer. This means the need to continue my leave - not returning to work. After all, I have to choose for the best chances to extend my life.

Well folks, I didn't receive this news with open arms. The thought of not returning to work was at first devastating: but my work IS my life! I have been preparing my colleagues for my imminent return. Now I need to reposition myself - to enable the QUEST program to have the needed support for reading, but primarily to allow for myself the time and rest to enable the chemo to continue to work.

Last week I wrote about living in the now, receiving the present moment and its reality. Today I need to follow my own words. Life has a way of putting the mirror to our words: today I breathe and breathe. x

TODAY IS ALL WE HAVE

Greetings loyal readers, I have been absent but delightfully busy. Last week Beth and I had the amazing gift of several days in Provincetown, Cape Cod through the generosity of friends Cheryl and Laurie. During these three sunny days, we were able to relax, meditate on the beach, and renew. Time away can be so healing.

I had my last chemo infusion this week in this series: next week I go for my CT scan and meet with the doc to chart the next path. I am hoping to return to work if all is as he feels it will be. Send meditations my way?

The title of this post is inspired by two amazing books I have been reading: When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron, modern American Zen Master, and Buddha's Brain by Rick Hanson and Jack Kornfield. All of these authors believe in the healing power of meditation, in seeking mindfulness, awakening to the present moment. As I tread this current path in my life, I am finding that bringing myself into present awareness - letting go of past and future - enables me to live more fully, as the old Hippie Guru Richard Alpert/ Ram Dass told us, to "be here now."

Not that its easy. I find myself caught in the "...why didn't I, where did the time go" and "... what's coming, what will tomorrow bring" mode. As Chodron reminds us, our emotions, useful for survival in many ways, can entangle us in past and future. She teaches that fear and desire keep the wolves away and feed the body, but can deny us peace of the spirit.

So I breathe, allowing my thoughts to float by in the stream. This is it. xx