Thursday, December 23, 2010

HAPPY HOLIDAYS & HOPE



Hi all - well the holidays are upon us - I have been woefully absent for several weeks - just busy!! I am thrilled that my cancer marker number is now FOUR!!

This means that my immune system sees almost NO reason to respond - the cancer seems to be completely dormant. I won't know finally until the next CAT Scan - Jan. 3! Keep those positive vibes coming!

SO I WISH FOR ALL MY LOYAL READERS A WARM AND LOVING HOLIDAY SEASON!

You have followed my journey for 2010 - your responses and support have meant so much to me.
In the next year, I will be more active with raising support for cancer research, and exploring integrated care which has meant so much to me: combining medical solutions with support for the psyche and soul.

Each new day brings opportunities to appreciate this amazing journey called life. As we celebrate returning to the light (hurray!!) and the calendar change, I look forward for new opportunities to learn and grow, to dance, sing, love. May we work towards peace, social justice and possibility as the world turns... xx

Monday, December 6, 2010

FAMILY REFLECTIONS



Greetings dear readers! Just said goodbye after a marvelous visit from sister Susan. Our few days together reminded me of one year ago - my diagnosis received. It's hard to believe it's been a year - and that I have had 11 months of chemo! The pic on the right was taken last year - the four of us Gabb siblings gathered at Sister Carolyn's apartment for a 'family photo' op. You can see that Gabb grin (brother George taking a moment of reflection himself!)
SisSue's visit was a great chance for special sister time - and I plan to have a similar visit in Richmond with SisCee in April. BroG has come twice - my loyal VA siblings. With an adventure like the big 'C', that special shared knowledge only possible among siblings becomes so very important. You can laugh and cry with siblings in a way with no others. There are those little packages of knowledge about your family dynamic that only siblings grasp.

For the four of us, there are the shared memories of holidays, the all important rituals of cookies, decorating, and above all the Christmas Eve 'program' - complete with hand drawn program guides. We melded the Christian celebration with the family traditions: the Jesus story from the St. James Bible (with it's familiar Shakespearean English) with Clements "The Night Before Christmas" poem that has shaped the view of 'Santa Claus' for all time (St. Nicholas? Who?) The emphasis was on warm and silly family fun - through the rituals we recreated the somewhat fictional Norman Rockwellian tableau of our family dynamic (and the 50's Coca Cola ad view of Santa!). Whatever the fantasy of it all, each of us retains a memory of Christmas festivities that speaks to the best of our childhood years.


As Sue and I visited those memories, we shared new revelations about our family dynamic (Sue mentioned that she rankled a bit with our Sunday night ritual - a family waffle dinner made one at a time on our waffle maker: as the oldest, she always had to get her waffle last! And 'middle child me', I always thought the oldest got the best deal!!) The holidays, friends, for better or for... Take time for meditation during these frantic days!! xx

Monday, November 22, 2010

At Last a Post: Metaphors in Megaliths.

Wow! back on line! Have been having terrible problems with my computer, dear readers, but finally think they are solved. Also, have been writing in a journal by hand - so will share some of my musings. I have been thinking a great deal about spirituality and our ancient heritage. I have been studying such spiritual monuments as the Stone Henge in England, and the amazing dedication to spiritual ritual from our earliest human ancestors. before the discovery of metals, before written language, human beings were celebrating power greater than themselves, and creating rituals around concepts of life to death to life, using the sunrise to sunset metaphonr, and capturing the cycle through huge monuments such as the pyraminds in Mexico and South America, and the many stone circles in the British Isles, the Scandinavian countries and northern France.

(Yeah, I love lots of time on my hands! I know this is kind of heavy headed for a first post in so long, but it's really fascinating to explore!)

So on to Stonehenge. One reason this fascinates me is that apparently, my forebears came from the area of England where these huge stones stand - the Salisbury Plain. Pictures show these mighty slabs sitting in stark relief against the sky: some toppled over succeeding milenia, some missing, destroyed by ensuing generations. I've been reading a book on the history of excavation of Stonehenge - the structure was constructed over hundreds of years - between 2,500 BC and 1,600 BC! The researchers have concluded that the stones weere erected and placed to align with the rising sun, and it's movement across the Eastern Sky through the seasons. It may also be aligned with the phases of the Moon - they were non literate scientists who observed and registered what they saw as the movement of sun and moon across the sky, using this as a metaphor for life and death. These ancients celebrated equally important roles for men and women. In Avebury, another stone circle, some stones are perceived to be phallic pillars , while others are triangular, representing the female principal.

That we as humans have sought to understand and explain the relationship of our own human experience of mortality to the patterns of our solar system, our universe, is somehow awe inspiring, universal and personal. Last night was a full moon - I observed it on TV! We 'modern' humans think we understand the energy of the sun in physical terms, the reflected sunlight on the circulating moon. But still these celestial bodies provide metaphors for our own tiny sphere of existence, our own experience of mortality.

As we approach the winter solstice, that darkest day when sunlight hides from us, wrapping us in longer nights, I tend to musing about our human heritage of spirituality and search for meaning in the movement of the spheres. I am approaching a year since my diagnosis, a year of treatment- physical, psychological, spiritual. I won't be erecting megalith stone circles, but certainly seek the metaphors of meaning for this thing called our lives.

Hope a few of you are still out there!! xxSal

Friday, October 22, 2010

THE BIG 'C'

So I'll finally write about this 'comedy about cancer'. I researched the writers and found that two or three have had cancer; all have friends or relatives (2 of 5 of us they say). In talking about the 'pilot' the author and the producer say "it's time to bring cancer out of the closet". In some ways,the show is dumping a closet full of too cute gags, in other ways the show allows exploration of dark corners.



When I first viewed the early episodes, my reactions were polar - on the one hand, a recognition, a sense of relief that finally people can laugh. On the other, I felt the deep melancholy portrayed occassionally by the talented Laura Linny. As I watch her from week to week, I see her brilliance as an actress in the darker scenes - her expressions, the coming to terms with 'not enough time.'

By making her an upper middle class white lady who doesn't have to worry about co pays or other costs, the authors free her from the tragic drama of cancer for so many people. This also gives her the freedom to carry out her 'bucket list' in ways most of us cannot. Actually, among my favorite scenes so far was the couch burning - it was such a visceral reaction! I have seriously been thinking about which piece of furniture I want to burn...

As the show continues, Cathy's life gets crazier and crazier: she kicks her husband of 20 years out, takes on a sexy lover, lives more and more over the edge. I continue to watch with a kind of horror/ fascination: where are they taking this, and why? Also, her life as a teacher, ostensibly in summer school this season, is totally out of whack: the school seems to have absolutely NO oversite of what goes on in the classroom! (High school teachers - is that possible??)

The producers say they are planning for six seasons - 18 months in real time, covering one season a season (summer, fall, winter, etc.) The producer says "we are keeping up with progress in the field such as clinical trials" - but her diagnosis continues to be terminal. As is the diagnosis for us all, it's just that most of us don't have a date.

Barbara Ehrenreich, who has written eloquently and sharply about the over-cuteness of the breast cancer 'pink' tide also feels the authors err on the side of silly. I tend to agree, but have some kind of perverse enjoyment as I share both the hilarity and the shadows. Like everything tasty, it needs a grain of salt. xSal

Monday, October 4, 2010

MEMORY LANE


So the first round of this series is done - and I'm still thinking SHRINK! I have started writing at least an hour each day - friends have encouraged me to write about my crazy life, so I'm traveling down memory lane. Speaking of memory, we went to NYC for some appointments, and am going to be on a panel this weekend with two old friends who were my colleagues when I 'came out' in Atlanta, GA. Together with a group of energetic women we helped to found a 'feminist Lesbian' organization, the Atlanta Lesbian Feminist Alliance (ALFA.) Vicki is a feminist scholar and writer; Lorraine is a legal assistant with Lambda Legal in Atlanta, working on cases to further GLBTQ rights in this country.

Preparing has been quite a journey: a reminder of the 'creative' nature of memory, and how our backgrounds and experiences shape what and how we remember. Did this happen?? Did I make it up??? Those years in Atlanta - The Great Speckled Bird underground newspaper, Sojourner Truth Lesbian Print Shop, the Lesbian communes, the belief that we could speak out and change the world for the better - those years shaped my consciousness and my life.

One important memory captures my affection for a friend Jean Zorn. A woman in her forties, she had moved to Atlanta from South Georgia, and was a special education teacher. In South Georgia she was a Civil Rights advocate, and had been one of the first white She was also a wild hippie soul who joined our hippie radical community in Atlanta, and even lived in one of the communes. Jean contracted breast cancer, thought she was in remission, it recurred, and she passed from us in a year. I saw her often during her final year, and was inspired by her dedication to living those final months with creativity, passion and dignity. She lived life to the fullest, and at her final memorial, the gospel choir from her school in South Georgia sang "To every Season there is a time.." and "Oh happy day". Jean had written a letter to friends asking that we celebrate her life. You live in my thoughts, Jean!

So after this brief break am back and moving towards more chemo next week. Living with the 'Big C' (will write about that program this week!) 'Til I write again...
xx

Thursday, September 23, 2010

AUTUMN MUSINGS


Ah loyal readers, I am finally settled in to the latest chemo regime! I hope you haven't given up on me - I resolve to be a regular blogger from now on! Autumn has arrived in New England with balmy days as the foliage begins to blaze and the skies are blue.

When I received that daunting news that I needed to continue with weekly chemo, and therefore not return to work, I was thrown into a tailspin - what?? Not go back to work?? But finally I have settled in to my new regimen and I'm proceeding with the latest course of infusions. This week I had the full carboplatin- taxol dosage - put me a bit under the weather, but I am using my continued home bound status to adjust. Learning to live with it- with emphasis on LIVE!!

Heard on NPR that some of the new regulations for health care are going into effect: young people can stay on parent's insurance until 26; pre-existing conditions can't be used against the insured. These seem to be baby steps as the needs grow daily. When I look at the actual cost of my care, I am incredibly thankful that I have decent insurance: even so, treatment weighs on our resources. We need a true national health care system - why can't we Americans get it??

I heard also that Republicans plan to attempt to reverse the health care bill if they get the majority in the Senate: how about if they just extend to the rest of us the health care we pay for for them??? Seems that fall weather, the political mood and my awareness have made me a bit feisty!! At least cyber space enables me to speak my mind! Thanks as always for checking in - support national health care! 'Til I speak my mind again...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

STAYING ON THE JOB FOR HEALING


Greetings dear readers after a long break! I completed my most recent series of chemotherapy, and had the delightful CT scan (ah those berry smoothies...yuck!) At my last Dr. visit, I was thrilled to hear that I might be able to reduce my chemo treatment. I have been planning with my optimistic tendency to return to work, believing I could move to 'maintenance' chemo, monthly, without many side effects.

Life does offer twists and turns! On the one hand, my Doc.'s report on the status of my little monster was excellent - he actually said he has NEVER seen a patient with stage IV uterine cancer respond so positively to chemo. The tumor, while still there, has no growth, and some of the enlarged lymph nodes are no longer visable. And the so called 'blood markers' which measure the extent to which your immune system is reacting to any active cancer, continue to drop to the low normal range.

Now the OTHER news. My Doc recommended continued weekly chemo to continue the best possible reduction of the continued cancer. This means the need to continue my leave - not returning to work. After all, I have to choose for the best chances to extend my life.

Well folks, I didn't receive this news with open arms. The thought of not returning to work was at first devastating: but my work IS my life! I have been preparing my colleagues for my imminent return. Now I need to reposition myself - to enable the QUEST program to have the needed support for reading, but primarily to allow for myself the time and rest to enable the chemo to continue to work.

Last week I wrote about living in the now, receiving the present moment and its reality. Today I need to follow my own words. Life has a way of putting the mirror to our words: today I breathe and breathe. x

Thursday, September 2, 2010

TODAY IS ALL WE HAVE


Greetings loyal readers, I have been absent but delightfully busy. Last week Beth and I had the amazing gift of several days in Provincetown, Cape Cod through the generosity of friends Cheryl and Laurie. During these three sunny days, we were able to relax, meditate on the beach, and renew. Time away can be so healing.

I had my last chemo infusion this week in this series: next week I go for my CT scan and meet with the doc to chart the next path. I am hoping to return to work if all is as he feels it will be. Send meditations my way?

The title of this post is inspired by two amazing books I have been reading: When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron, modern American Zen Master, and Buddha's Brain by Rick Hanson and Jack Kornfield. All of these authors believe in the healing power of meditation, in seeking mindfulness, awakening to the present moment. As I tread this current path in my life, I am finding that bringing myself into present awareness - letting go of past and future - enables me to live more fully, as the old Hippie Guru Richard Alpert/ Ram Dass told us, to "be here now."

Not that its easy. I find myself caught in the "...why didn't I, where did the time go" and "... what's coming, what will tomorrow bring" mode. As Chodron reminds us, our emotions, useful for survival in many ways, can entangle us in past and future. She teaches that fear and desire keep the wolves away and feed the body, but can deny us peace of the spirit.

So I breathe, allowing my thoughts to float by in the stream. This is it. xx

Thursday, August 19, 2010

IMAGES OF HOPE AND HEALTH


Well, dear loyal readers - the blogspot site is still having problems - apparently my readers can't comment - and I can add only one visual per posting. Am trying to reach the Google Gods for help!!

I am quite excited that my work with meditation and visualizing healing and health is resulting in participation in a 'patient show' at the hospital - my scribblings and such will be on display! The attached mandala is one that has inspired me - will photo and post one or two of my own soon. I REALLY encourage taking pen, brush, marker to paper - it's indeed therapeutic. I also have become a huge fan of guided meditation - a way to explore those inner images.

I have two more short chemo drips before the next CAT pix - and have high hopes for returning to work by mid Sept. I feel the support from you all that comes through cyber space - your loving messages have been a major part of my excellent progress. I firmly believe in our power of collective concentration in the journey towards full recovery.

So I extend my continued love and thanks on this beautiful August morning - a cardinal sits on my bird feeder, and a hummingbird visited again earlier - the zinnias smile across the garden, the cosmos dances in the breeze, and the black eyed susans wink at the sun.

In the quiet sunny space of my yard I recognize the privilege of my life, even with its uncertainty as I think of those struggling with natural disaster in Haiti & Pakistan, and of course with the horrors of continuing war. I celebrate the gifts of my life and my community of support on this vibrant day. xx

Monday, August 16, 2010

SHRINKING ALONG


Dearest Readers,

Have heard that you were unable to comment on my 'bird' notes: Hope I can attach some other great pix (didn't take them, but saw these critters.) Ah the love of the digital #%%%&&&!!##.


Well, I can't seem to add more pictures and edit the way I have done before - maybe this will work - always a digital adventure!

Had chemo today - the double whammy - but not at all bad. I have two more weeks in this series, then another CAT scan - my doc says that if the CAT confirms the other indications -my marker #3's are in the normal range - then I can go on 'maintenance' much lighter chemo and go back to work!!

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

WATCHING BIRDS


Dear Readers, the slow pace of summer has me lagging. This was a week without chemo - last go round before CAT scan starting next week.

As I continue to luxuriate on the deck, (I feel a bit guilty until I remember my real summer job...) I am amazed by the color of gladiolas and cosmos, I have had the time to watch the life of yard birds, and to listen to the constant chatter. They are busy!! What goes through the mind of a finch, a cardinal, a bluejay? Clearly they communicate with each other, and fuss at other species - it's so easy to anthropomorphize - imagine the finches griping about the aggressive and bossy blue jay, the hummingbirds asserting themselves - I may be small but I'm tough; the morning doves sighing - these little birds are so manic - and the cardinal as he struts - yeah, I'm handsome, appreciate me - believe me, she might have a toned down coat, but Ms. cardinal is the head of our household.

I guess as humans we want to think our habits and conversations somehow are universal - that our brains somehow reflect the universe. My life this summer has increased my suspicion that we know so little. What we think we know, our sense of reality, what 'makes sense', seems so inadequate in the face of the contradictions of our experience. How can we know about peace and harmony, and still make war? How can we have the concept of community and abandon those in misery? How can we envision health and healing, while allowing power and money to control access to aid?

I guess more people need to spend more time watching birds: not deciding what they think, but letting them teach us? Just a short reverie from the deck...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

GONE FISHIN' AND REFLECTING





Dear readers, I continue to learn that the unexpected can be truly glorious. As noted, I was saddened that my Sis Sue couldn't visit, but am happy that she is on the mend. The change turned into a propitious opportunity for Beth and me! Our four days on Sargent Lake in NH proved to be a taste of paradise: a lovely little lake (how's that for alliteration?), perfect for kayaking, fishing and just plain ole settin' and reflecting.


I had forgotten the fun of fishing (can't seem to avoid alliteration today) - the concentration, quiet patient waiting, and joy of the bite! Beth proved to be the Queen of the Catch - with her huge mouthed bass! We DO have the pictures as witness, and it wasn't the one who got away! I managed to hook four little sunfish, not bad for a novice like me. And Madelin demonstrated her all-around skills with both sunfish and a respectible bass as well.


This mini vacay was such a gift to us: providing both hilarious family fun and moments of quiet solitude. In our journey of late, both Beth and I have needed this gift - thanks to nephew Matt and his partner Naz who shared their week at the lake with us.


In this chaotic troubled world, we were able to enjoy the treasure of time and togetherness. And you can witness the return of my hair as well! As I continue on this chemo trip, the lower dose of Taxol is allowing regrowth - it seems to be quite a crop, a respectable silver fuzz.


While I revel in the memories of these treasured days, I am beginning to plan a new project: connecting with a national "Make a Wish" type of support for adults with serious/ terminal conditions. Returning to reality from our little paradise, I reviewed our insurance reports, and realized that if I didn't have good insurance, the chemo, etc. would have cost me over $80,000 this last eight months. I am investigating the 'Dream' foundation out of California that provides 'wishes' for adults, including reunions with family and other important connections. I hope to use the effort as a platform to support national health care - with emphasis on the needs of cancer patients and survivors! Stay tuned!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

GARDEN DELIGHT


Dear gentle readers, a reminder: there is nothing constant in life but change! My sister Sue was supposed to come to visit this week from Richmond - but got sick, and won't be coming. As I nursed my disappointment, we received an invitation to go to New Hampshire to a lake cottage for three days - a mini vacation! Expect the unexpected!

This week my friend Sally Waldron brought an amazing gift to us: a garden 'totem' she constructed in pottery class. In the pouring rain, Sal and I (in our fetching rain ponchos) constructed this amazing piece of garden art - what a gift!! Now my garden is blessed and watched over by my totem.
There are few things in life that equal the value of a good friend. I am indeed honored! Enjoy summer and gardens, my friends.

A note to friends: I have mini surgery next week for my kidney 'stent', but all should be a breeze. Traveling to remission!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

VISUALIZING NORMAL!





Dearest readers, I have great news! One indication that chemo is effective is the reading of so called 'blood markers for cancer.' My markers have been steadily decreasing, and my doc told me this week I am in the NORMAL range!! (Not that I EVER feel very normal...) This does not mean the tumors are gone, but a good indication that the cancer is almost inactive. So I am very excited!

This has been a strange week - finally able to have chemo again - platelets and white cells also back to NORMAL. My body doesn't really love the chemo, but being home enables me to collect reserves to deal with the stuff.

I attended two groups this week, and listened while sisters in the big "C" recounted much more difficult journeys than mine. I am so very fortunate that my body is handling the infusions without severe side effects, as I say so often. Listening to stories makes one quite humble.

In our guided meditation/ art therapy group, I continue to invite images for my journey. I have been trying to upload my own butterfly ride sketch, but this will have to do. Beth and I attended the South County balloon festival on Sunday, and such a ride is on my bucket list! Almost as good as a butterfly flight!.

I am convinced that such imaging is a powerful vehicle in the journey to eject cancer. Will write soon, but for today am up and away. xx

Friday, July 16, 2010

BEACH, BREATHING, BONDING


Thanks to friend Marilyn I spent yesterday at a beach in Little Compton, RI. There is nothing as peaceful as time watching the surf - the ebb and flow are life renewing. We sat under an overcast sky, but the air was delightful with a warm breeze and the muted light created a meditative mood for us both. The time on the sand gazing at the ocean horizon helped calm my impatience as I continue to wait for my blood levels to come back. (Send psychic messages, dear friends, that I can do chemo next week - it's been nearly a month of delay!!)

Marilyn and I have known each other for over 30 years, and always have great conversations about learning, knowing, living and healing. In addition to being a reading educator, she has become a licensed therapist. She completed a degree in 'integrated therapies', and has studied a variety of healing strategies using Buddhists ideas and inspiration. Our conversation was another confirmation of the importance of breathing for our well being.

Today I had several long wonderful phone conversations. Sister Carolyn and I exchange thoughts on reading and art projects, Lorraine shared those radical hippie lezzie days in Atlanta, Judy is my best pal in RI. These cell phone ramblings again reminded me of the strange gifts of this time, that I am strengthening the bonds with loving siblings, family and friends who are giving me so much support. In my many hours by myself, I reflect on the these treasures , and the many ways that being enveloped by love is aiding my healing and moving me forward in this adventure. (How linear we are...) Of course, my loving Beth is my heart, and accompanies me on all the byways of this strange journey.

As with the ebb and flow of the tides, I am carried through this experience we call time. The day at the beach was an island of hours away from the everyday. Summer is a good thing...








Friday, July 9, 2010

BEAUTY OF BLOOD AND TREES


Greetings dear readers! Well, for a second week in a row, my blood counts prevented chemo - this adventure has led me to think about our amazing river of life, our blood. I am fascinated by the connection through blood we have with our world and our universe. The heart - lung system is really quite a wonder - and as we as a species have learned more about our physical system and it's relationship to the broader systems of life and energy, we are now able to use it to repair and replenish our physical selves.

The oxygen - carbon dioxide connection has always intrigued me. I love the fact that this system connects me to trees! I give them CO2, they give me oxygen - a mutual life giving exchange. I thank about trees on a daily basis! (Hug them whenever possible...) Through my friend at the Unitarian fellowship/sisterhood, Ray, I am learning more about the amazing variety of trees on our planet - each with its own special gift. Ray is the Tree Director at Groundworks, a RI organization that supports gardening and tree planting in the city, particulary in lower income neighborhoods and parks. Would that as a species we were as mutually supportive as we are with trees! A revolutionary thought! My friend Bill Coffin in Atlanta, an arborist, has been fighting that city since they fired him after he reported incidents in which big construction developers were paying off members of the city arborist team to allow them to cut down trees and build in the city. And then there is the tragedy of big corporate greed and the rain forests...

So I am feeling kinship with trees. In my meditation group this week, our leader provided a guided meditation that took us to a place where we could feel safe and comforted: a vision came to me of a home in a tree trunk - a cozy magical space like the residence of Winnie the Pooh.

I realize that my affection for trees comes from their double function: roots that keep us grounded, boughs reach up that provide a launching spot when we want to fly. I am at the moment looking out at our amazing maple tree next to our driveway: the boughs and leaves are dancing in a breeze that suggests impending rain; robins and sparrows come in for landings, dart off to another leafy perch; the sun comes from behind a cloud and light reaches through the green spaces. May we keep grounded yet fly towards mutual support, community and life!


Saturday, July 3, 2010

MID SUMMER DAYS AND NIGHTS


Once again a week!

Despite my leave from work for my weekly chemo, I have been busy - thinking, resting and writing. As I have been sitting on our deck, looking out at my midsummer garden, I am filled with thanks, concentrating on life and health. I have been writing a small presentation for Sunday at our Unitarian congregation in honor of Thomas Jefferson - focusing on his amazing gardens - his devotion to both beauty and usefulness - liberty and sustenance. Last summer, Beth, my brother George, my grand nephew Palmer and I visited Monticello and spent the day in awe - of the house and it's wonders, but primarily of the phenomenal gardens.

I was reminded that Jefferson and all the folks of his time - European settlers, slaves, native Americans - depended on gardens and plants for sustenance and survival, and for healing. And of course, I was reminded of the contradictions of Jefferson himself, and ourselves: that we excoriate systems of oppression while we continue to benefit from their existence.
I continue to explore natural remedies for my own journey, even as I submit to the chemical treatment of my little monster. But I hope to find plant based applications to send said monster into apoptosis!

And I have the gift of this time to focus on returning my body to health, strengthening my spirit and my resolve. Last evening, Beth and I had a marvelous dinner with friends from Bell Street Chapel - Ellen and Stu. These gentle amazing people have a small organic farm, raising chickens, turkey, and the most beautiful vegetable plants. Ellen herself is struggling with a difficult neuro-muscular disease, but has the most amazing spirit and determination. They raised four sons on this magical garden space, Ellen was a teacher and Stu a social worker. We were joined by Carol and Arlene, two other wonderful members of our Unitarian community. I felt my own journey strengthened by this lovely evening.

Once again, I see the ways that my journey is bringing a wealth of friendships and the expansion of my own universe as I learn from new friends. I wish to all my dear readers a wonderful 4th of July weekend - may each of you find joy in family, community and celebration, and the belief in 'revolution'! xx

Sunday, June 27, 2010



So, dear readers, my first week away from work was filled with family and frolic. After chemo on Monday and the usual Tuesday recovery space, my brother George came to visit on Tuesday night for a short two and a half day visit from Virginia. We had the great fortune to be able to use the Grossi family beach cottage at Charlestown RI for the three nights - wonderful chemo recovery space, complemented by the best possible June weather (despite dire predictions of storms.)

As Bro G said, the visit started with my space out - in my rush to get to the bus station to pick him up, I grabbed Beth's keys - and didn't discover it until half way from Providence to Charlestown. George was a champ, turned around and drove back to N. Providence, and we continued with our rambling dialogue - in the pouring rain! With the proper keys, we got to Charlestown and settled in for the first night of sea air (what healing breath.)

Over two days, we settled into our natural sibling chat - we share so many interests including progressive politics, philosophy, education, travel and people watching. We chatted on strolls to the beach, kayaking the beach pond a bit, lounging under the spreading birch tree, and eating steamed lobsters, steamers, little necks and corn. Now this is a chemo recovery path I recommend! I especially enjoy my brother's excitement about science - he teachers middle school science (after a 20 year stint as a computer nerd for the Navy!) We share a love for the periodic table (mine philosophical, his scientific) and our awe about our universe. Pic at left of our compass rose - great way to beautify a septic! There can be beauty in every function... p.s. earth wind, water and fire design by Madelin, age 9) Our conversations made me want to go back and take high school chemistry again, and physics for the first time - maybe this is ahead for me!

Our hours and days together were the best gift - I thank my brother and our partners.

Then - Saturday Beth and I hosted the "Madolympics" - a birthday party for niece Madelin, famly and pals in our back yard. We had a torch parade, amazing contests ( hula hoop tricks, ringtone dance contest, slippy slide marathon - the "Madolympics cardboard medals are treasures for all) topped off by a giant "jumpy house" for kids of all ages. My Beth of course created Madelin's favorite meal of chicken wings, rice and salad, plus killer guacamole and an almond pound cake! As more than 20 people gathered for the food and fun, I was reminded again of how important it is for me to be surrounded by family, laughter and love. I am one of the more fortunate humans in the universe! (Note the poppies - seeds from Mom who was there in spirit for this gorgeous day!) Life is a bloomin' miracle!

Monday, June 21, 2010

TIME TO PROCEED WITH LIFE!




Well, dear patient readers, a whole week without a post - what a busy life! (and early bedtimes) I had chemo last Monday, and worked every day last week, at least some hours. Now as I continue with weekly chemo, I am on leave. It's a strange feeling for someone who has been so career and job oriented (progressive adult and youth education - in the context of progressive social change). I have had a chromatic range of emotions as I enter this time to focus on getting healthy, evicting the little monster.
First, there is that weirdly exhilarating combination of fear and excitement: like the moments before you propel yourself into a back flip on the diving board. Where will I land? Can I adjust myself to this knew unknown function in space? What will I DO with myself?

Then there is the sadness: I will be out of the loop, I won't be identified with this greater purpose, I will become invisible.

Finally there is relief and a calm waiting: I have always actually looked forward to the unknown. So today, after another chemo, I walk in the garden, speak to the plants, admire the amazing summer blooms and concentrate on quieting my mind.
As noted by Mr. Majorium of the Magic Emporium: Life is an occassion - rise to it!
I will keep you posted! xx


Monday, June 7, 2010

BACk IN THE SADDLE



Hi all - just a note after beginning second round chemo. Carboplatin and Taxol today. THINK SHRINK! Beth and I went to the American Cancer Society Rhode Island survivor's day yesterday - a few interesting 'booths', a few speakers, but generally disappointing. Several of the hospitals had tables with information, and we DID get free chair massages. I had hoped there would be a more interactive opportunity, maybe workshops where we as ' survivors' could discuss more about integrated services, and the ways that things such as Reiki, massages, meditation, acupuncture support treatment, even reports of clinical studies, such as the dream study I am now a part of. Oh well, so much for that.


I do hope to do more research myself about such areas - such as the work being done in Texas and Europe. Will report soon! Otherwise, my garden is my best therapy, bringing the beauty and hope of blooms and new growth (the healthy kind!) Above is the Goddess of Spring in our garden with the unbelievable iris (blooms now sadly past) but below you can see the now blooming poppies, etc. I am determined to be as 'perrenial' as these amazing gifts of nature. Also the blue spot is a deck chair, an important kind of therapy for me this summer! I will be meditating and chanting from this chair on many occasions.
With the earth capable of such amazing presentation, why is it we squander our gifts, poisoning the mother of us all, possibly feeding unwanted growth (such as the big 'C') rather than cherishing the beauty that is our natural world?
As a species, are we capable of valuing these gifts enough to survive on the planet? Hmmmmmm.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

SYMBOLS OF SURVIVING

I'm very excited about an American Cancer Society conference coming up this weekend exploring integrated treatments: providing psycho/social support along with chemo and radiation. The Women & Infants Women's Oncology Center has many integrated elements, including Reiki, acupuncture, a writing group and a new one for me: Exploring Symbols and Images as a Pathway to Positive Survival.

Yesterday I attended the 'Symbols ' group led by W & I Licensed Social Worker Sandra Shields. She is grounded in Jungian psychology, and believes strongly in the power of the unconscious and imagery.

We participated in a 'guided meditation' called 'slowing down time' - a wonderfully relaxing exercise for which we had lavender eye pillows and blankets (!) Letting go of the tight control of our conscious minds is so hard - but I was lulled into a strong meditative state.

After this, Sandra asked us to draw/paint any imagery that came to mind. For many, it was the image of floating, of water, and the image from the meditation of a slowly drifting feather. As I started to draw the image of a turtle came to me: I used my 'mandala' practice as a base, and drew a turtle based sketch with waves and fish and the moon.

Later, Sandra told me that turtles are one of the 'archetypal' images, representing female nature, longevity, unity between heaven and earth, survival through the long slow journey.
So I continue with my long slow journey, taking time to savor each day and each moment, learning about self in the world. Survival is on my mind for so many reasons beyond the personal: the terrible toll of the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the criminal negligence of British Petroleum giving us the horrendous Gulf oil spill, the continuing struggles for so many to survive disasters, both natural and human made. We carry the world on our backs. xx


Friday, May 28, 2010

ONWARD, ONWARD


Hi all! Well, I finally have my next treatment cycle settled. We finally met with my oncologist on Wednesday, and were able to actually see the little monster in the CT Scan snapshot. Nasty little bugger! But smaller and less nasty than four months ago! Apparently, it has gone from the size of a large lemon to the size of a small plum.


Yea small fruit!

The lymph nodes on my neck are no bigger than green peas - also a great thing. We are heading towards remission!!

This summer I will be on a bit more rigorous treatment plan - weekly treatments. I will be taking sick leave time in order to give my body maximum ability to benefit from the treatments. Summer recovery in the garden!! Flowers growing, tumors shrinking!

I am also excited as I have signed on to an official study looking at dream images of cancer patients. I will be keeping a dream log for 12 weeks. The researchers are looking for common images, and ways dialogue about these images can aid in creating positive psychological stance during chemo and radiation therapy. I am fascinated by this integrated approach!

I continue to draw my dreams, and create mandalas - letting that inner self speak to my recovering body. And of course, all of your positive feedback and support is the foundation for my journey. Love to you all.

xxapopsal

Friday, May 21, 2010

LIVING IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

Well, loyal readers, today was a lesson in acceptance and living the moment. I have been in such an anticipatory mood all week - living for the tomorrow that was today - and of course, the news I had been waiting for didn't happen. I am processing the life lesson in this.

I awoke this morning at 4:30, and in my anxious state, couldn't sleep. Finally I put on my sweats and my Red Sox cap, and went out on the front porce to meet the dawn. The sky over our 'river of highway' was a soft peach, like the inside of a shell, and the birds were having quite a morning conference. The air was sweet and warming. I breathed in the preciousness of the new day, observing the deepening green of our across-the-street woods, the deep fuscia of our rhododendron, the sweet pink of the bleeding heart by the stone house. How amazing that we experience what we call pleasure and beauty from our sensory input.
Beth and Frankie the Beagle finally awoke, and we readied ourselves for the Important Appointment. We arrived at the Women's Cancer Center a bit early. Shortly I was called to an examining room, and a nurse came in to take my vital signs (I was feeling quite vital - eager to hear the news!) Then a Nurse Practitioner came in with a worried look. Dr. Dizon is stuck in traffic and won't be here for your appointment. Not only that, the machine that relays the CT scan results is "on the blink" - (honey you ain't gonna get no news today!)

Dear readers, my joyous mood dissolved within minutes. I know of course we all are human, cars and machines break down, this IS the moment. Could I accept it immediately with equanimity? No way. After a few angry tears, I got myself together, and Beth and I prepared to leave. Luckily, the social worker I have been working with, Sandra, was on site - we were able to sit with her to process the events.

It's so hard for us to truly accept the uncertainty of life. We act as if we truly might KNOW what's going to happen next. We always say - "I could walk out and get hit by a bus", but we don't really think it will happen. We WILL be able to get to our job, to get to appointments, to carry out our plans. We live for what comes next (Waiting for Godot) and the moment passes us by.

SO THAT'S THE NEWS FRIENDS - NO NEWS! But rather a reminder to cherish each minute of each day, and expect the unexpected. Until we meet again - Happy Trails! xx

Thursday, May 20, 2010

NOT ABANDONED!



Dearest readers, I haven't abandoned you - don't despair! Just a very busy week - have been a bit tired and under the weather. Good news: had my CT scan on Tuesday - what fun. I was able to down the chalky stuff so readers could see my innards light up - certainly a strange experience. Sort of Zen sliding through the large doughnut hole(Check out this CT scan art!!) It is quite amazing that technology now allows us to look INSIDE the body - a slice of life as it were. Tomorrow I have my Dr. appointment to find out the latest prognosis. It is a bit nerve wracking, but I am SOOOO eager to find out how much the little monster has shrunk.

I am also excited that the RI branch of the American Cancer Society is having a conference next month looking at alternative/integrated therapies and their effectiveness alone or in combination with chemo and radiation. There will be representatives from an exciting center in Texas, the Anderson center, that has been a major center for alternative therapy for years.

Speaking of alternative therapies - I had acupuncture for the first time! It was a fascinating experience - a lovely woman who studied in Boston administered the little needle, and I lay like a happy pincushion while she played meditation CD's. It certainly was relaxing - I'm not sure it relieved my neuropathy much (numb toes) but I enjoyed it a great deal.


So I will report tomorrow, dear readers with the BIG NEWS! Have a great evening!! xx

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

METAMORPHSIS

HOORAY! HUZZAH! YIPPEE! And whatever other cheers that come to mind - my cancer marker numbers are WAY down! When first diagnosed, I had numbers up beyond 500 - recently in the 300's, and this week - 79 and falling!

Thanks to all the love an support that has surrounded me as I continue this strange journey. While I'm not quite to the desired number (18 or below), this steep decline has me much encouraged! Next week, I have the strange tunnel pictures made (CT Scan) that will tell more about the little monster. Beth and I have had a continuing image of butterflies, sneaking into my body, landing on the tumor, and with each landing, melting the monster away. Recently, I've had another image, that these healing butterflies actually transform the tumor into a caterpillar, that metamorphosizes into another healing butterfly, and flies out to find and transform other tumors.



I hope to use all the energy you all have passed my way to help with other kinds of positive change, such as advocating for truly universal health care, truly equal opportunity in education, and a real metamorphosis from the economic dictatorship of a few to sharing of the wealth. We have a ways to go... But this journey makes me so aware of how I want to spend this gift of time.

As winter has finally turned to spring, our scarlet honeysuckle is blooming, the peonies are about to pop, and I'm loving getting my hands in the dirt. Here's to the turning of the earth...

Friday, May 7, 2010

MORE FAMILY FUN!


As I approach the end of one chemo cycle and begin planning for the next, I have been celebrating with family and friends! Last week was an amazing week, with a fantastic visit from grad school friend Virginia C., gathering of my prison volunteer pals with Liz M. and Sally E., plus Bobbi H. and my Beth, breakfast with first RI friend Marilyn, and visit from Sister Sue and husband Tom for the weekend, and a shared meal with cousins Louise and Mary! Whew! A whirlwind of appreciation.


As I have written earlier, this strange journey has intensified so many relationships - and brought me closer to friends across the country. The ongoing responses on this blog from Lorraine in Atlanta, (remember 'Edge of Night' commune?), Vicki in Boston, of the Atlanta days, brother George in Virginia, friend Mimi in Ohio, birthday buddy Janet here in Providence, and many more, always brighten my moments.

"Our own life is the instrument with which we experiment with the truth."
Thich Nhat Hanh

And in this life, I am experimenting with the truths of love and hope, the gifts of so many. Today is a balmy May day, with trees and grass dressed in the new spring green, a balmy breeze caressing our passages, and sun warming our moments. The door is open to the future. Enjoy, dear readers!