Metamorphosis!

Greetings dearest loyal readers - I have been silent for several weeks awaiting the final news - and the news is fabulous: I am CANCER FREE! My Doctor told me Friday that there is No Evidence of Disease in my

system as of this week - I am grateful and humbled.

You my loyal readers and friends have traveled this journey with me - your support has provided me with life energy as I completed the 12 months of chemo and the surgery. It is truly a season of rebirth. As I reflect on this strange journey, I am so thankful for the amazing love and friendship extended to me. Together we have explored this strange anti life form called cancer, confronting mortality, finding healing powers in our unconscious and our imagination, examining the politics of health care. Knowing you are out there has helped me keep the gray matter active, even as the targeted poisons were confronting the cancer in my system.

I spoke at our Unitarian Fellowship meeting yesterday on the idea of rebirth - of meeting each new day, hour, minute as life renewed. I found a fabulous essay by Barbara Kingsolver in which she writes:

Every one of us is called upon, perhaps many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job. And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another...that is surely the basic instinct... crying out "high tide!" Time to move out into the glorious debris! Time to take life for what it is!"

So I am moving onward full tilt - into the glorious debris. I plan to continue this blog, at least now and then: I will keep all posted, but move on to other topics as my journey is no longer primarily a cancer journey. I hope to explore personal and political issues as my personal apoptosis continues: my cells living, dying, being reborn. Cancer cells - good bye: may we find a way to help you pass away, to experience your natural death and rebirth as healthy cells.

As the Indian mystic poet Rabinadreth Tagore wrote:

You have made me endless, such is your pleasure. This frail vessel you empty again and again, and fill ever with fresh life.

This little flute of a reed you have carried over hills and dates, and have breathed through it melodies eternally new.

At the immortal touch of your hands my little heart loses its limits in joy and gives birth to utterance ineffable.

Your infinite gifts come to me only on these very small hands of mine. Ages pass, and still you pour, and still there is room to fill.

And fill it up we will! xx to all in overwhelming gratitude. ApopSal

SING OUT, LOUISE!

Dearest loyal readers,

Last night I attended a "Voices of Hope" concert at the down town University of RI site - an enthusiastic collection of women singing for our lives. The small but appreciative audience joined in as the impromptu, non auditioned women's chorus sang rousing renditions of such classics as "Lean on Me". And thanks to Michele Obama for her statements supporting raising our daughters to be leaders! This is OUR time.


As the public employees, especially teachers (mostly women) , in Wisconsin fight the efforts to end collective bargaining rights in that state, we must remember the origins of international women's day, including honoring the women who died in the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire during efforts to unionize shirtwaist factory workers. Gloria Steinem, tireless voice for women's rights, noted recently that women STILL earn only 77% of wages earned by men for the same jobs.

On March 8th, Michele and Barack Obama honored women for our struggle to gain equal rights, and recognized that the 'glass ceiling' still exists, that our sisters, daughters and nieces have much work still to do. I, of course, am currently especially interested in women's health issues, but also our need to focus on the voices of women who are still oppressed, lacking voice, and still experiencing the vicious effects of a monopoly capital system that engages a few women 'stars' while continuing to promote economic and social policies that continue to victimize women and girls.

BUT WE WILL CONTINUE OUR STRUGGLE, WE WILL CONTINUE SINGING, WE WILL BE HEARD! Always more to come...xx

Hi friends! Much too long, but still having computer problems - amazed I was able to illustrate this post. ( I love this mandala - phases of the moon and pathways of the heart - like the strange and uneven passage of time and the phenomenal network of friends (all of you] who have accompanied my journey.)

My train tracks continue to heal - the staples are gone, only a line from the navel to the tree line - and I'm feeling fine (get tired, but also cabin fever!) Today I go to the oncologist to talk about future treatment: choice one (hopefully) a chemo break - with monitoring to be sure the little monster hasn't recurred. Choice two: maintenance chemo ( one infusion a month) that will allow me to return to work. Choice three - more intensive chemo - but I don't think this will be necessary. Always in limbo!!

I've written often about 'living in the present' - and now with some of the worst behind me for the moment, this is more and more important. I continue to paint and write, and watch the amazing changes going on in the world. The allure of 'freedom for self government' has erupted in the middle east in ways not predicted at least by us in the west. And of course, here at home we have our own challenge to 'voice' as the governor of Wisconsin attempts to set aside the right of public workers to participate in collective bargaining - to have a voice in developing the contracts that rule their lives. It seems that Republicans are truly attempting to defeat union strength in supporting the Democratic party and liberal ideology that invites full participation in decisions that affect us.

So I continue my 'armchair' observing (recliner, actually) and consider how I can best support movements for progressive social change in my somewhat compromised state. But I'll be fully active before long! Thanks for 'listening' dearest readers - Hopefully March will come in like a lamb, after the snowy lion of February. xxSal

ON THE MEND: THE AMAZING HUMAN BODY

So I made it through, dear readers, and broke out of the ward yesterday! Docs and nurses were great, and other than the constant "wake up for testing" the snip and sweep went well. I met a delightful chaplain, Caroline, and several great nurses, especially Janet who was both caring and lively. I was quite impressed that she has volunteered twice in Haiti: we agreed that such experiences enrich our lives in unexpected ways.

I have a lovely set of tummy staples to mark the staple and sweep out region, which will result in a lovely tummy ridge. Guess the thong bikini is out for this year... It is amazing that our bodies can mend from such aggressive invasion. Not that the body doesn't protest (hey, what the ##&&** are you doing to me?? Get the H out of there!)

At this point, the docs have to wait on 'pathology' to figure out next steps. I will in all likelihood be home mending for 6 - 7 weeks or so, but do hope to go back to work once I'm mended. I won't know about future treatment for about a month - but will continue my support services, especially the wonderful meditation/ visual expression group. While cancer is not a 'gift', it has provided an opportunity to explore my inner self and the strange process of becoming ourselves.

In this land of snow, I can't say that sitting by the fire and concentrating on healing is all bad. Just don't make me laugh too much!! I'll continue my writing and painting as I sew myself back together: who knows, I may discover a whole new adventure! Each day, each hour each minute: I love life! xxSal

EARLY SPRING CLEANING! IT'S HYSTERY...

Hello dear readers: well, on to a new phase! Apparently Chemo has reduced active C enough to clean out unwanted baggage! The MRI showed additional reduction of active cancer, and no indication of interference with the bladder, so surgery is the word of the day. The surgeon who specializes in gynecological surgery for oncology patients is recommending a total hysterical sweep out, I mean hysterectomy - all intended to buy time. Hey, do I need this plumbing?? Hello!!

While surgery is always a bit daunting, I look forward to time out of chemo, and a return to somewhat normalcy after this year of chemicals. After six months of weekly drip, I'll actually miss my fabulous chemo team, especially June, my always cheery chemo nurse, Zulmira and the CNA crew who always provided comfort and snacks, and CI, the endlessly patient intake clerk who handles the endless paperwork as we stream through.

So, I'll be laid up a bit, then on the mend - and on with living each day! Stay tuned for updates - xx

MOVING SLOWLY IN 2011...

Greetings dear readers! Again, a delay in postings - have been waiting to hear about my future... I now have to go for an MRI as the CAT scan doesn't tell enough to determine my future treatment - ah the wheels of progress in medical treatment time...

Otherwise, January moves on into 2011. my latest attitude adjustment for 2011 is: not just 'hope', but possibility and opportunity. Hope without action is mere fantasy. My plans for action in 2011 include action to continue my road to health, action to clear up chaos in my personal sphere, action to add my own small part to positive social change and social justice.

These three plans have of course their own internal contradictions (what in life doesn't???) Action for health may include more inaction in terms of my physical and work life, but can
always mean action in terms of my intellectual and spiritual life. There are so many messages that tell us about negative activity in our smaller and larger communities, yet I realize how important it is to seek out news of positive change. My old friend Diane visited last week and shared her victories in Santa Fe NM - the city succeeded in raising the minimum wage within the city limits to more than $9.00 an hour - actual progress towards a living wage! While such actions may continue to send corporations overseas for the sweatshop wages that secure huge profits, this action serves as a model for collaboration between public and private spheres of influence. I am so encouraged by this success!

So we need to keep our antennae tuned for such success, and to look for arenas (arenae??) for action. (Couldn't resist this image - snails with hats...)

While my own individual contributions and progress are definitely snailish (how's that for a word for today), I am seeking the slow and steady movement forward in each moment. Like snails, we each carry our own universe on our backs; we each leave a trail in the annals of human history, no matter how small.

Stopping by my blog on this post snowy evening, I welcome your thoughts and responses! xSal

HAPPY HOLIDAYS & HOPE

Hi all - well the holidays are upon us - I have been woefully absent for several weeks - just busy!! I am thrilled that my cancer marker number is now FOUR!!

This means that my immune system sees almost NO reason to respond - the cancer seems to be completely dormant. I won't know finally until the next CAT Scan - Jan. 3! Keep those positive vibes coming!

SO I WISH FOR ALL MY LOYAL READERS A WARM AND LOVING HOLIDAY SEASON!

You have followed my journey for 2010 - your responses and support have meant so much to me.
In the next year, I will be more active with raising support for cancer research, and exploring integrated care which has meant so much to me: combining medical solutions with support for the psyche and soul.

Each new day brings opportunities to appreciate this amazing journey called life. As we celebrate returning to the light (hurray!!) and the calendar change, I look forward for new opportunities to learn and grow, to dance, sing, love. May we work towards peace, social justice and possibility as the world turns... xx