WHETHER REPORT

Spoiled by sun and hints of spring, gray days returned this weekend. Since spending more time alone and at home, I've been more keenly aware of the effects of weather on my psyche. The sun, light streaming in, warmth - these energize me, feelings of hope and possibility. The cool rainy gray days engender a more reflective space - the shadows stretch into my imagination. In some ways, this is a creative journey - an inward exploration. Whether I like it or not, I am drawn to new thoughts.

What am I learning about myself from this strange journey? I have found that I need to breathe, to allow moments for thought. I need to slow the pace, to allow myself to float in the uncertainty of it all, to wait for awareness to enter. What's the rush? What do I value? I am drawn always to the treasure of human contact, the love and friendship - I thrive on this weaving chain! But also, I am opening to the hours with only my thoughts or images. There are two windows, a corner of light in our family room that I face always when sitting at home. Our fig tree lives in this space and has now greeted the extended days with an array of graceful green, festooned with its generous mantle of leaves. Did I notice, appreciate her last year? I think not.

In contrast, outside in the damp chill, one lone brown leaf from last year is battered by the wind, hanging on until the new growth crowds the carcase of yesterday, pushing it to the earth bed below.

Life, change, death, new life. Chaotic gardener that I am, I rejoice in the cycles, greeting renewal as seasonal celebration, awaiting the surprises of spring. I seldom dwell in the shadows, but they are there when I need them. The sun is returning, spring is on the way - chemo is half over!