WATCHING BIRDS

Dear Readers, the slow pace of summer has me lagging. This was a week without chemo - last go round before CAT scan starting next week.

As I continue to luxuriate on the deck, (I feel a bit guilty until I remember my real summer job...) I am amazed by the color of gladiolas and cosmos, I have had the time to watch the life of yard birds, and to listen to the constant chatter. They are busy!! What goes through the mind of a finch, a cardinal, a bluejay? Clearly they communicate with each other, and fuss at other species - it's so easy to anthropomorphize - imagine the finches griping about the aggressive and bossy blue jay, the hummingbirds asserting themselves - I may be small but I'm tough; the morning doves sighing - these little birds are so manic - and the cardinal as he struts - yeah, I'm handsome, appreciate me - believe me, she might have a toned down coat, but Ms. cardinal is the head of our household.

I guess as humans we want to think our habits and conversations somehow are universal - that our brains somehow reflect the universe. My life this summer has increased my suspicion that we know so little. What we think we know, our sense of reality, what 'makes sense', seems so inadequate in the face of the contradictions of our experience. How can we know about peace and harmony, and still make war? How can we have the concept of community and abandon those in misery? How can we envision health and healing, while allowing power and money to control access to aid?

I guess more people need to spend more time watching birds: not deciding what they think, but letting them teach us? Just a short reverie from the deck...

GONE FISHIN' AND REFLECTING

Dear readers, I continue to learn that the unexpected can be truly glorious. As noted, I was saddened that my Sis Sue couldn't visit, but am happy that she is on the mend. The change turned into a propitious opportunity for Beth and me! Our four days on Sargent Lake in NH proved to be a taste of paradise: a lovely little lake (how's that for alliteration?), perfect for kayaking, fishing and just plain ole settin' and reflecting.

I had forgotten the fun of fishing (can't seem to avoid alliteration today) - the concentration, quiet patient waiting, and joy of the bite! Beth proved to be the Queen of the Catch - with her huge mouthed bass! We DO have the pictures as witness, and it wasn't the one who got away! I managed to hook four little sunfish, not bad for a novice like me. And Madelin demonstrated her all-around skills with both sunfish and a respectible bass as well.

This mini vacay was such a gift to us: providing both hilarious family fun and moments of quiet solitude. In our journey of late, both Beth and I have needed this gift - thanks to nephew Matt and his partner Naz who shared their week at the lake with us.

In this chaotic troubled world, we were able to enjoy the treasure of time and togetherness. And you can witness the return of my hair as well! As I continue on this chemo trip, the lower dose of Taxol is allowing regrowth - it seems to be quite a crop, a respectable silver fuzz.

While I revel in the memories of these treasured days, I am beginning to plan a new project: connecting with a national "Make a Wish" type of support for adults with serious/ terminal conditions. Returning to reality from our little paradise, I reviewed our insurance reports, and realized that if I didn't have good insurance, the chemo, etc. would have cost me over $80,000 this last eight months. I am investigating the 'Dream' foundation out of California that provides 'wishes' for adults, including reunions with family and other important connections. I hope to use the effort as a platform to support national health care - with emphasis on the needs of cancer patients and survivors! Stay tuned!

GARDEN DELIGHT

Dear gentle readers, a reminder: there is nothing constant in life but change! My sister Sue was supposed to come to visit this week from Richmond - but got sick, and won't be coming. As I nursed my disappointment, we received an invitation to go to New Hampshire to a lake cottage for three days - a mini vacation! Expect the unexpected!

This week my friend Sally Waldron brought an amazing gift to us: a garden 'totem' she constructed in pottery class. In the pouring rain, Sal and I (in our fetching rain ponchos) constructed this amazing piece of garden art - what a gift!! Now my garden is blessed and watched over by my totem.

There are few things in life that equal the value of a good friend. I am indeed honored! Enjoy summer and gardens, my friends.

A note to friends: I have mini surgery next week for my kidney 'stent', but all should be a breeze. Traveling to remission!

VISUALIZING NORMAL!

Dearest readers, I have great news! One indication that chemo is effective is the reading of so called 'blood markers for cancer.' My markers have been steadily decreasing, and my doc told me this week I am in the NORMAL range!! (Not that I EVER feel very normal...) This does not mean the tumors are gone, but a good indication that the cancer is almost inactive. So I am very excited!

This has been a strange week - finally able to have chemo again - platelets and white cells also back to NORMAL. My body doesn't really love the chemo, but being home enables me to collect reserves to deal with the stuff.

I attended two groups this week, and listened while sisters in the big "C" recounted much more difficult journeys than mine. I am so very fortunate that my body is handling the infusions without severe side effects, as I say so often. Listening to stories makes one quite humble.

In our guided meditation/ art therapy group, I continue to invite images for my journey. I have been trying to upload my own butterfly ride sketch, but this will have to do. Beth and I attended the South County balloon festival on Sunday, and such a ride is on my bucket list! Almost as good as a butterfly flight!.

I am convinced that such imaging is a powerful vehicle in the journey to eject cancer. Will write soon, but for today am up and away. xx

BEACH, BREATHING, BONDING

Thanks to friend Marilyn I spent yesterday at a beach in Little Compton, RI. There is nothing as peaceful as time watching the surf - the ebb and flow are life renewing. We sat under an overcast sky, but the air was delightful with a warm breeze and the muted light created a meditative mood for us both. The time on the sand gazing at the ocean horizon helped calm my impatience as I continue to wait for my blood levels to come back. (Send psychic messages, dear friends, that I can do chemo next week - it's been nearly a month of delay!!)

Marilyn and I have known each other for over 30 years, and always have great conversations about learning, knowing, living and healing. In addition to being a reading educator, she has become a licensed therapist. She completed a degree in 'integrated therapies', and has studied a variety of healing strategies using Buddhists ideas and inspiration. Our conversation was another confirmation of the importance of breathing for our well being.

Today I had several long wonderful phone conversations. Sister Carolyn and I exchange thoughts on reading and art projects, Lorraine shared those radical hippie lezzie days in Atlanta, Judy is my best pal in RI. These cell phone ramblings again reminded me of the strange gifts of this time, that I am strengthening the bonds with loving siblings, family and friends who are giving me so much support. In my many hours by myself, I reflect on the these treasures , and the many ways that being enveloped by love is aiding my healing and moving me forward in this adventure. (How linear we are...) Of course, my loving Beth is my heart, and accompanies me on all the byways of this strange journey.

As with the ebb and flow of the tides, I am carried through this experience we call time. The day at the beach was an island of hours away from the everyday. Summer is a good thing...

BEAUTY OF BLOOD AND TREES

Greetings dear readers! Well, for a second week in a row, my blood counts prevented chemo - this adventure has led me to think about our amazing river of life, our blood. I am fascinated by the connection through blood we have with our world and our universe. The heart - lung system is really quite a wonder - and as we as a species have learned more about our physical system and it's relationship to the broader systems of life and energy, we are now able to use it to repair and replenish our physical selves.

The oxygen - carbon dioxide connection has always intrigued me. I love the fact that this system connects me to trees! I give them CO2, they give me oxygen - a mutual life giving exchange. I thank about trees on a daily basis! (Hug them whenever possible...) Through my friend at the Unitarian fellowship/sisterhood, Ray, I am learning more about the amazing variety of trees on our planet - each with its own special gift. Ray is the Tree Director at Groundworks, a RI organization that supports gardening and tree planting in the city, particulary in lower income neighborhoods and parks. Would that as a species we were as mutually supportive as we are with trees! A revolutionary thought! My friend Bill Coffin in Atlanta, an arborist, has been fighting that city since they fired him after he reported incidents in which big construction developers were paying off members of the city arborist team to allow them to cut down trees and build in the city. And then there is the tragedy of big corporate greed and the rain forests...

So I am feeling kinship with trees. In my meditation group this week, our leader provided a guided meditation that took us to a place where we could feel safe and comforted: a vision came to me of a home in a tree trunk - a cozy magical space like the residence of Winnie the Pooh.

I realize that my affection for trees comes from their double function: roots that keep us grounded, boughs reach up that provide a launching spot when we want to fly. I am at the moment looking out at our amazing maple tree next to our driveway: the boughs and leaves are dancing in a breeze that suggests impending rain; robins and sparrows come in for landings, dart off to another leafy perch; the sun comes from behind a cloud and light reaches through the green spaces. May we keep grounded yet fly towards mutual support, community and life!

MID SUMMER DAYS AND NIGHTS

Once again a week!

Despite my leave from work for my weekly chemo, I have been busy - thinking, resting and writing. As I have been sitting on our deck, looking out at my midsummer garden, I am filled with thanks, concentrating on life and health. I have been writing a small presentation for Sunday at our Unitarian congregation in honor of Thomas Jefferson - focusing on his amazing gardens - his devotion to both beauty and usefulness - liberty and sustenance. Last summer, Beth, my brother George, my grand nephew Palmer and I visited Monticello and spent the day in awe - of the house and it's wonders, but primarily of the phenomenal gardens.

I was reminded that Jefferson and all the folks of his time - European settlers, slaves, native Americans - depended on gardens and plants for sustenance and survival, and for healing. And of course, I was reminded of the contradictions of Jefferson himself, and ourselves: that we excoriate systems of oppression while we continue to benefit from their existence.

I continue to explore natural remedies for my own journey, even as I submit to the chemical treatment of my little monster. But I hope to find plant based applications to send said monster into apoptosis!

And I have the gift of this time to focus on returning my body to health, strengthening my spirit and my resolve. Last evening, Beth and I had a marvelous dinner with friends from Bell Street Chapel - Ellen and Stu. These gentle amazing people have a small organic farm, raising chickens, turkey, and the most beautiful vegetable plants. Ellen herself is struggling with a difficult neuro-muscular disease, but has the most amazing spirit and determination. They raised four sons on this magical garden space, Ellen was a teacher and Stu a social worker. We were joined by Carol and Arlene, two other wonderful members of our Unitarian community. I felt my own journey strengthened by this lovely evening.

Once again, I see the ways that my journey is bringing a wealth of friendships and the expansion of my own universe as I learn from new friends. I wish to all my dear readers a wonderful 4th of July weekend - may each of you find joy in family, community and celebration, and the belief in 'revolution'! xx